Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Devil Doesn't Bargain"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I enjoyed this little vampire-with-a-happy twist story. I especially liked the Poe reference!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening starts with several paragraphs of narrated background. This background is surely important to the story, but it's narrated as opposed to told. The actual action of the story doesn't begin until he's roaming the castle.

So here's what you might consider. Start with him in the castle doing something--maybe sinking his fangs into a foul-smelling rat and draining its blood. That establishes that he's a vampire. A touch of setting would put him in a castle. He might hide the blood when a villager chances by. He could think her blood would be ever so tasty, but rejects drinking it because she's known for her good deeds. Or even specific good deeds, like caring for orphans or running the local soup kitchen. Oh, and twist of her hair or the color of her eyes might remind him of the long-lost Lenore, starting to establish the love-lost-then-found plot.

In any case, that kind of sequence would establish his good-guy credentials. Whatever you might do, the idea is to reveal the essential information in the opening paragraphs through his actions, as opposed to him telling us stuff.

Readers need to be inside the fictional world as soon as possible, and the most effective way to do that is to put them in the head of your POV character, and then put that character in motion, interacting with other characters and elements of the fictional world. Showing interactions that also reveal details essential to the plot is what makes an effective opening.

                                                             
Plot
Loved the plot! It's really a love story. Vampire finds girl. Vampire loses girl. Vampire gets girl back. An original variation on a classic theme!

                                                             
Hook
In this case, the hook is getting the reader into the story. Your opening does this, but it's narrated which keeps the readers outside the story (ongoing events in the here-and-now), which is why I made the above suggestions.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Alex's head. No slips. He's likable enough, for a vampire.

                                                             
Referencing
Lots of little details about Alex's life nicely folded into the narrative.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Nicely done. Usually I want a touch more, and I did find a minor thing to comment on in the line-by-line, but overall nicely done.

                                                             
Characters
Alex. Lenore. Fido. Lenore's husband makes a brief appearance, enough to make him loathsome. Good job with all three, although Fido transformed from annoying pest to cute furball as I read the story.

                                                             
Grammar
Comma Splices.

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but I found one place to complain about. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved this story. It's got a creative take on a classic plot. Alex is a relatable character and readers will cheer for him. It's got a positive twist at the end, which is another touch, despite my personal tendency to always go to the dark side.

I've got a few tweaks to suggest, mostly about the opening, but this is an excellent story. Keep them coming my way! I enjoy reading your work.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
It was a dark and stormy night—no, really, it was. Pouring rain and mighty thunder shook the rafters as I wandered the hollow halls of my castle, lined with flickering gas lamps.My Comment: This is where the story starts.

I could have dated my sweetheart, Lenore. My Comment: Love the reference to Poe!!!

You might consider him having some token that he’s preserved to help remember her. A photo, perhaps, or a scarf where her sweet scent still lingers. That would make the transition to her memory a bit more organic to the events transpiring as he roams his castle.

"Now it's your turn, Lenore."My Comment: He says this after he’s told her his story, right? But the transition isn’t quite clear. Maybe if you added, “When I finished my tale of woe, I asked,…” just for clarity.

Why are you out here at night?"My Comment: When he arrived, you did mention moonlight so in theory readers know it’s night. But readers are inattentive creatures. For example, me. When I read this sentence, I thought, “What? It’s night?” Perhaps you’d help the memory-impaired like me by threading a few more mentions of the dark of night into the intervening paragraphs. He could even wonder when he first sees her what she’s doing in garden in the middle of the night.

"I'm quite happy, thankyou."My Comment: Truthfully, at this point I thought she perhaps was a werewolf, and her little dog, too. (to paraphrase the Wicked Witch.) Thus, I was kind of expecting poor Alex to meet an unhappy fate. But then I always go for the dark twists.

Later you describe Fido as “cute,” but here he’s kind of an annoying little creature yapping at him. I pictured a chihuahua. Maybe if you referred to him as a puffball and gave him a name like Fluffy he’d be more credible as the cute doggie he turns out to be.

I heard a man shouting angrily My Comment: You know I’m adverb phobic, right? In this case, “shouting” kind of implies “angrily.” If you used “raging,” you’d combine the two into a single, more precise verb.

Secondly, phrases like “I heard” are a subtle form of telling. We’re clearly in Alex’s head, so everything on the page is something he’s seen, heard, or otherwise sensed. It’s more immediate and intimate for the readers if you just describe directly what he heard. They will infer that he “heard” it since they’re already in his head.

To emphasize he heard it, you can always have him react in some way. His face might heat, for example, or he might part the bushes to get a better view, after which you could describe the man holding the knife (without an “I saw,” of course)

over the whimpering of a dog.My Comment: Now I’m picturing poor Fido, tail between his legs and cowering, as being a pathetic little fluffball. This bit deserves a bit more description, showing Alex sympathizing with Fido and adding to his good-guy credentials.

Being undead didn't mean I couldn't feel any pain.My Comment: Story stops while the narrator—Alex—intrudes to state a fact. You could establish this earlier by having him stub his toe or something while he’s wandering the castle, then here describe directly the agony he’s feeling.

Those irises were the start of a splendid moon garden on our castle grounds. My undead life became a dark paradise, with my precious loved one at my side and Fido our loyal guardian, evermore.My Comment: You might end with Alex and Lenore walking through the irises on a clear moonlit night, smelling the sweet scent of the flowers and holding hands. The idea is a kind of anti-symmetry with where the story starts, namely Alex walking the same garden on a dark and stormy night. Readers won’t consciously notice this kind of anti-symmetry, but it could add to the sense of closure and emphasize the change in Alex that’s happened during the course of the story.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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