Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Tools of the Trade"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a really excellent story. The tension just sizzles.

Jason is menacing, both in appearance and demeanor. The atmosphere of the Race King and the various customers contributes to the sense of impending disaster. Well plotted, and wih an uplifting ending. Nicely done!!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening starts with the inciting incident, but I wonder if you could make it a bit more active, and maybe do a better job of putting us in Leah's head. water She might smell the water boiling in the radiator, for example--it's a distinctive musky odor. Having her sense something--smell, tasted, touch--is a good technique. Maybe he scar on her arm twinges, to add a bit to her motivation that she's fleeing bad memories. Maybe have her think something descriptive about "the Georgia town."

The story really picks up when she sees the argument, then the box cutter. I'd consider getting there more quickly. From that point, I couldn't take my eyes off the page.

                                                             
Plot
Leah is on the road, moving, and her car breaks down. Her goals are clear: get the car fixed and get out there! The goals of the other two characters, Eli and Justin, are less clear, but there is conflict between them. Justin is threatening in both demeanor and appearance, while Eli, while secretive, appears innocent. More importantly, he's helpful and works on Leah's car.

                                                             
Hook
The menace that starts with box cutters is the hook for this story. Everything that happens from that point forward just cranks the menace--and hence the tension--higher. Excellent writing here!

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Leah's head. No slips. She's a sympathetic character and readers will cheer for her.

                                                             
Referencing
Lots of details about the Race King and its clientele that contribute to the sense of menace.

I'm unfamiliar with songs, but the lyrics clearly contribute to the menace. However, if you intend to publish the story, you will almost certainly have to delete them due to copyright issues. The title is OK, just not the lyrics. I imagine it's just me being out of touch that I don't recognize the songs. I would have picked somethign by Metalica or Billy Idol, which hopelessly dates me.

                                                             
Characters
Jason is surely scary. In fact, he turns out to be not such a bad guy after all. In retrospect, he probably hung around outside to keep an eye on Eli. Perhaps Leah could realize this? Also, I'm not sure why he told Leah she had to leave when she most clearly could not. That almost felt like overkill.

                                                             
Grammar
Comma Splices.
I don't read for grammar, but usually find somehing to whine about. Not here.I should wrie such clean copy.

I did see one or two typos, noted in he line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
Thank you for sharing. This is an excellent story, full of tension, masterful foreshadowing, and--incredibly--a HEA ending!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I don't really have anything consequential for you here...just a few minor reactions as I was reading.

and said aloud,My Comment: How else would she say something? Maybe she murmurs it? Or tips an eyebrow at the speakers?

I sat quietly by my van My Comment: The first place I couldn’t quite picture where she was. Is she sitting on he curb? Or on those stools again? Or just sitting with her legs criss-crossed on the pavement? Not that it matters, but it was a tiny blip for me.

I stared at Eli's big red metal tool chest.My Comment: “big” is one of those non-specific adjectives that don’t give scale. I’d consider leaving it out, or maybe use a word like “ginormous” which would more or reinforce character.

I picked out some of them and saw a bag of white powder underneath. Wait, what?My Comment:Nice twist, and nicely foreshadowed. Eli’s reticence about the fight with Jason and his sudden warning about the toolbox are excellent foreshadowing.

you try to blackmail your bossMy Comment: You TRIED to blackmail, right?

I felt the tension in his musclesMy Comment: I’d consider something like “The muscles in his arm tensed under my hand…” “I felt” is a subtle form of telling. It’s better to describe directly what she felt.

"I—I'm really sorry. I've let everyone down… my Mom will be so disappointed in me."My Comment: I’d consider a dialogue tag precede this…some like “Eli couldn’t meet our gaze.” Or “Eli shuffled his feet.” Make it clear who is speaking, since just the exchange just prior was Leah and Jason.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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