Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Runaway"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a nice little story for the holiday season. The foreshadowing is well-done, and the plot and character arcs match perfectly. Thank you for sharing it with me so close to Christmas.

                                                             
Opening
Your opening hits all the main points. It orients the reader in time and space, establishes the point of view, and hints at his goals, stakes, and obstacles. Good job!

                                                             
Plot
Homeless guy meets run-away little girl in a park right before Christmas. Whether by coincidence or destiny, both their lives change.

There were some elements of the plot that seemed a little too pat, or at least too settled. For example, Amy seems certain Joe will be *able* to find a job, without knowing anything about his history. If we knew Joe had a skill that would enable him to get a job, that might help. Or maybe Amy knows that the hospital where she used to work is looking for maintenance staff. Something to make the prospects of employment more settled.

Also, I inferred that Joe didn't know his ex was dead. Surely the news would have surprised him.

Joe decides to clean up before taking Alice to her granny. How and where? In Tulsa, there's a private organization that has a van with showers for homeless people, so maybe they see something like that? Or he could just shower and shave at the shelter where they have breakfast. Maybe Amy offers to trim his hair? I wouldn't belabor this, but a sentence or two would make the transition to Granny's place less abrupt.

How did they GET to Granny's place? Bus? Or maybe Amy still has a car? Or maybe it's close in to downtown and they can walk there?

Amy eats at the shelter and can't work because of her back. But she's a CNA, and so she should be able to find work that accommodates her disability (it's actually the law). If she *really* can't work, then she's at least eligible for public assistance and social security disability benefits, but perhaps needs to eat at the shelter because those are insufficient? Or maybe she *volunteers* at the shelter? The latter actually sounds like the best alternative, and makes her a more likable character from the outset, despite Joe's cynical take on her. She could eat at the shelter because she's working a shift as a volunteer.

                                                             
Hook
I was hooked as soon as he saw the little girl.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, no slips.

                                                             
Referencing
Urban setting, most likely modern era.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Three locations: the park, the homeless shelter/soup kitchen, and Granny's home. We got loads of sensory information on the park, but somewhat less on the shelter. In Granny's home, we got even less. I almost always feel like a touch more would be better, and that's the case here. Adding scent--something only Joe can smell--can add to the intimacy and depth of the setting. The shelter, for example, might be filled with the mixed smells of bacon and the crush of people in the line. At Granny's, there'd be the hickory scent of the logs burning, or maybe the crisp pine smell of a tree. Having Joe interact with the places where he's at by reacting to scents, sounds, or touch not only deepens the readers' connection to the location but also to Joe.

Again, just a touch here and there--too much is distracting! But that little touch could add to the intimacy and emotional undercurrent of the story, especially as Joe evolves from resigned despair to hope.

                                                             
Characters
We learn about mid-way that Joe is a loner. Indeed, he seems to be spending a cold winter night in the woods rather than the shelter for just that reason. If you could weave that into the opening paragraph, I think it would help establish is character and hence his character arc.

I get that Joe's reaction to Amy is distorted view of her. He thinks she's an abrasive busy-body, sticking her nose into everyone's affairs. If you could sneak in something like he thought her facial expression showed "fake concern," it might give the reader some sense of her real character, divorced from Joe's cynicism.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, but I'm amazed when there's nothing for me to whine about. Good job here--no errors stood. I wish I could write such clean copy.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I noted above some places I kind of twitched as the plot developed. None of these are significant, and a couple of sentences would clear them all up. These certainly don't detract from the heartwarming message of the story, which is perfect for the holiday season. Thanks for sharing and giving me such a sweet start to my Saturday!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Don't involve me in your drama, please, I thought.My Comment: Standard editorial practice is to italicize internal thoughts, as you have done here. However, it’s also standard practice to omit thought tags.

If there was a God at all, He didn't seem very approachable.My Comment: There’s a great line from Graham Green: “I hate god as if He really existed,” or words to that effect.

I heardMy Comment: Phrases like “I heard” are a subtle form of telling. It’s almost always more intimtate and immediate to report directly on what he heard. Since this is a first person narrative, readers will readily infer he “heard” it. If you want to emphasize he heard it, you can have him react—as you do when he groans at the familiar voice.

could open her big mouth again, the bell rang and the doors opened, My Comment: “open” repeats. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

"Why don't you get a job? Then you wouldn't have to eat here and pester us."My Comment: There are three adults here, so a dialogue tag would be helpful.

"That's my ex-girlfriend's mother's address!"My Comment: So this is going where I imagined when the girl friend first came up. Apparently he’s also just learned that the ex-girlfriend is dead. An emotional reaction would be appropriate, no?

"No, it just means I'm tired of dealing with people. I want to be alone."My Comment: Aha! Now I have a name for what *I* am! Fortunetely, I’m retired and don’t have to be homeless to stop dealing with people!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net