Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Monster"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
A nice little story, with a twist at the end. It reminded me of the plots typical in the old Alfred Hitchcock TV show, or related mystery magazines that once populated newstands. Thanks for sharing--I enjoyed this bit of nostalgia!!

                                                             
Opening
Your opening sets the stage for the story by answering the who/what/when/where/why questions. It starts in media res with the inciting incident and moves on from there.

One tweak I'd suggest is naming the first person narrator as soon as possible in the opening. It's easier for readers to identify with him and get into his head if they know his name. At the same time it would be easy to add his wife's name and even to add to the tension by having him sneak by the bedroom where this children were sleeping. Finally, I'd have the intruders actually threaten him with their guns, maybe even firing the first shots. That makes his use of deadly force more likely to avoid criminal charges and establishes his bona fides as a good guy. It also sets up his character arc, as he submits to temptation and comes to enjoy his new role.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, no slips.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--it's clear where everyone is in relation to each other and the setting. But it's also pretty sparse. Bearing in mind Vonnegut's admonition that every sentence should advance character or plot, adding a few touches about the setting could accomplish those goals while at the same time helping to place the reader in the fictional world. Thumps from downstairs, the closed door to the kid's bedroom, the glint of moonlight on the intruder's guns would all accomplish multiple goals and add a bit of depth to the narrative. Don't over-do it--just a touch here and there would be sufficient.

                                                             
Characters
We get a narrated account of the first and subsequent assignments. I'd prefer at least one assignment to be embedded in the here-and-now, where the narrator goes from nervous to an unexpected exhiliration at the completion of the assignment. That gives him moving along the descent from a good guy defending his family to a cold-blooded killer who enjoys his work.

To complete his descent, I've have the story end with the cops putting handcuffs on him, bringing to an end his character arc.

Also, his wife's undercover occupation is a bit of a stretch. Perhaps she was recruited by the police/FBI because one of her PR clients turned out to be mob-related and they wanted to exploit her inside connections. That seems more credible to me than that she was an undercover PI who hid her true occupation from her husband. (You did say they "barely knew each other," but I think my suggestion is more credible.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I enjoyed this story. The plot is strong, and the twist is a good one. I've read lots of stories of this type over the years, so I was alert to the likely twist and wasn't at all disappointed to find out I was right.

Thanks for giving me this little story to brighten my day! I loved the twist and the turning of the wheels of fate to bring justice at the end of the day.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
"Lock yourself in the bathroom and dial 911."My Comment: Need a dialogue tag here. The last-named person is his wife, so the natural inference is that she is speaking. But context suggests it's the first-person narrator, so the tag would eliminate any momentary confusion. As an aside, having her respond by using his name would let you *name* the first person narrator in the initial paragraphs. The earlier he's named, the better.

It was about a month after I had to kill the two men who had broken in. The situation had been cleared with the police, as it was an obvious case of self-defense.My Comment: Actually, the county attorney would be the one to "clear" the case, not the police. I'd also make it clearer that the intruders threatened him with their guns, making his use of deadly force more clearly an appropriate response.

I heard footsteps behind me.My Comment: Phrases like "I heard" are a subtle form of telling. It's generally better to describe directly what he heard. To emphasize he "heard" it, have him react in some way. For example, "Footfalls sounded behind and I turned."

"This is an offer you cannot refuse, Kevin… I don't suppose you care to see Linda suffer? Or your little boy and girl go missing?"My Comment: Linda is his wife, right? Simple enough to clarify both names in the opening paragraphs instead of letting the readers wonder here.

I didn't tell my wife, of course, and she didn't seem to notice that I was spending more time away from home. Her job as a market research analyst for a major public relations firm kept her preoccupied. Sometimes I marvelled at the fact that we had two kids and yet we hardly knew each other anymore.My Comment: See my comment above. Here, I'd also consider adding that, as luck would have it, she was also spending more time out of town.

"Listen, Kevin. We have one final assignment for you. There's a private investigator on our trail, and I want her eliminated."My Comment: If you follow my suggestion, then there'd be an "informant" who is leaking information to the FBI.

It seemed odd that the target was in Atlanta at the same time Linda would be there on a business trip. But I thought nothing of it.My Comment: So, she's on a business trip, but has taken her own car--he recognizes it later. Absent other information, I'd assumed that they had flown to Atlanta, so finding her car was a bit a surprise. Easy enough to have them drive up from Chattanooga, or maybe from Marietta and eliminate uncertainty.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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