Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Sword and the Song"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
The plot has a nice twist to it, anticipated by the clever title.

                                                             
Opening
It took a while to establish Robyn as the point-of view character. I have a couple of suggestions in this regard--see below.

                                                             
Plot
A dragon threatens the realm. Only Princess Robyn and her trusty sword stand in the way until a reluctant Knight joins her. Oh, and her harp-playing younger sister Nora tags along.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited, in Robyn's head, with one short head-hop into Nora's head.

In such a short piece, it's generally better to stay in one character's point-of-view. Readers are fragile critters, and can easily lose track of who is seeing/doing things, hence the advice on keeping short stories to one POV (something I've violated myself, I admit).

In this case, I'm not sure that it wouldn't be better to have Nora provide the POV. The only scene where she's not present is the short sequence where Devin betrays Robyn, but this little twist isn't necessary to the story. Indeed, I think it would be stronger to have Nora provide the POV throughout. She could stay behind at the bottom of the cliff while Robyn and Devin depart to do battle. She could soothe horses. Then, she could hear sounds of the battle from far-away, see Devin tumble down the mountainside and see the dragon swoop down to threaten her. The rest of story works fine from there. Both the warriors have failed in their mission (without the unnneccessary betrayal by Devin) and Nora's talents--ignored by others throughout--win the day. The side plot of Devin's betrayal--which is not foreshadowed and rather shocking--isn't necessary to the main theme and plot.

If you decide to switch POV to Nora, then my suggestions in the line-by-line comments about POV vis a vis Robyn and Nora should be reversed, with "Princess Nora stood next to her older sister Robyn" instead of the other way around, for example.

Finally, the story is basically over after the dragon transforms, yet it continues for roughly another 200 words. This is largely to clean up the issues raised by Devin's betrayal, but I'm suggesting taking the betrayal out of the story--in my view, it detracts from the basic plot and character arcs. I think the ending could be shortened considerably, although final two sentences are a satisfying summation of the ultimate outcome.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Certainly sufficient for staging, and some nice descriptions of the farmland and the destruction wrought by the dragon.

                                                             
Characters
Mostly this is about the two princesses and their differing approaches to defending the realm. The side-plot about Devin and his betrayal kind of distracts from this basic story arc. It'd be great in a longer story, but here it just kind of came out of nowhere.


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
Another nice story. The basic plot and character arcs fit together, and the twist at the end is what makes the story. I admit, I saw the twist coming as soon as the dragon appeared, but that's just because I was looking for it. Most readers don't look for this kind of set-up and will likely be pleasantly surprised. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Princess Robyn and her younger sister Nora stood at the castle window overlooking their verdant land. My Comment: To better establish point of view, I'd consider rephrasing this to something like, "Princess Roby stood next her your Nora and gazed out the castle window that overlooked their verdant land."

Even better would be to first give Robyn some sensation or emotion that only she can feel.

A shadow crossed Robyn's face as she remembered how aged and feeble their father the king was. She bowed her head.My Comment: Here we learn what's in Robyn's head, so this is the first indication that she's the POV character. Note, though, that she can't see her face, so having a "shadow cross" it is a POV violation.

King Leon sat at his conference table, surrounded by Arvelia's strongest and bravest young men.My Comment: You're starting a new scene--the time and place have changed. It might be better to reinforce that we're still in Robyn's POV. Perhaps worry chills her tummy as she huddles in the shadows of the King's conference room?

Robyn and Nora rode on one horse along a narrow, winding trail through the woods. My Comment: See above for my comment on POV--having Robyn sit in front of her sister, for example, suggests we're seeing this from her POV.

Nora clutched her harp and ran her fingers across the strings, sending out lightly haunting notes that danced quickly in the air and floated away like a fine mist.My Comment: lovely description!

feeling the skin prickling on her neck.My Comment: We're supposed to be in her POV, right? It's generally better to describe directly what she felt rather than telling us she felt it--show, don't tell, in other words. If you want to emphasize she felt it, have her react in some way, such as shuddering.

"I'll let Yorko handle you,"My Comment: And who, or what, is Yorko? Eventually, I figured out that Yorko is the dragon from earlier, although it wasn't until the ned that it became clear that it wasn't a SECOND dragon.

At the edge of the forest, Nora fussed and fumed about being left behind.My Comment: Change in POV to Nora, right?

As Robyn made her way down, slipping and sliding, she heard Nora's song. My Comment: Here, we've hopped back into Robyn's head.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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