Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

Hi, gLum_aLL_dAy. I have read another item in
your portfolio as you requested and here are my
suggestions:

1. There were a lot of fragment sentences here
that could be joined with commas to make
complete sentences. Examples:

She came into her room. (replace the
period with a comma, use lower case L on
Locked, and join the two fragments into a single
sentence)Locked the door and switched on the
cassette player

Then she scooted (try using "squatted"
instead of scooted) down and examined the
fragments of the glass.(change period to
comma)(lower case c) Chose one sharp edged
piece(add a comma and delete "and")
and stood up, (add " and remained") still
for a while.

2. Try not to leave out the pronoun "she" when
using verbs referring to your character's actions.
Example:

Then (add "she" to make this a complete
sentence) walked a few paces away and sank
down onto the floor.


(She)Caressed it very, very gently in her
right palm, holding it with a thumb and forefinger.
(She)Raised an eyebrow as a tiny red dot
appeared on her thumb.

3. Word use; word order. Examples:

She then slowly traced the glass across her left
arm. (sounds as if she is tracing a glass,
not tracing with piece of glass. Change the order
to: "Then she slowly traced across her left arm with
the glass")


Their gray color had darkened…but there a
fatigue tinged in the fury…and a forlorn
despondency. (I just didn't understand this
sentence, check it over and see if you left out
words or didn't order them correctly.)

4. Commas, quotes, etc.

She etched more thin cuts. (use comma
instead of period and join to next sentence)
Then dropped the glass onto the floor. She gazed
at the cuts that dripped scarlet blood and felt the
familiar feeling of satisfaction and self-victory.
She got up and threw the pieces of glass in the bin
(use a comma and delete "then") then
walked out of the bathroom, (no comma
needed here) towards the dresser. (use
comma here instead of period and join to next
sentence)
Chose a perfume and dabbed some on her cuts. A
sharp pain tingled through her arm but she didn’t
wince.(Use quotes around this sentence?
Is she speaking out loud?) I dont want to get
any infection now do I?

Well, those are the highlights! Check your e-mail
for rating. I liked this piece. Good work.
Sunni17