Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

 (This message was edited by sunnygal136 on 05-05-03 @ 3:06 pm EDT)

The time line in this story confused me. It starts out with her telling everyone about her disease, then it seems that she is struggling to tell them, then it seems she has avoided telling them and she is already in therapy, then she is done with rehab and just "Anna" again. Otherwise, I like this story. Here are some of my suggestions for changes:

1) You write: You said it and now it all backfired. I would say You said it and now it has all backfired.

2) You write: The one that you hid from everyone since you were fourteen, the person that you were after school with glossy lips, shiny hair and those clothes. I would change the comma to a semi-colon. The two phrases could be separate sentences but they are closely related so a semi colon would work a little better than a comma.

3) You write: Right there. It is...someone murmurs. It's her. Wow, someone else whispers. She's so perfect. Use quotation marks for the quotes : Right there. "It is..."someone murmurs. "It's her."
"Wow," someone else whispers. "She's so perfect."
You could also separate each quote into a separate paragraph since it is dialog from different speakers.

4) You write: He thought you had almost overcome your disease. Stop modeling, he says. It's hurting you. Same thing here. Add some quotation marks: He thought you had almost overcome your disease. "Stop modeling," he says. "It's hurting you."

5) You write: You didn't just want to be Anna. This could be stronger if you wrote: You didn't want to be just Anna.

That is about all I have for you. Looks like you are doing a good job with your writing.

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Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17