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 |  Its been almost a year since my little sister died, here is my painful legacy of words. |
This is a compilation of some of the poetry I have written while grieving for my sister who passed away suddenly last August. She was only 21. Please feel free to recommend this link to others who may be going through a similar situation if you think it will help them with their pain. Thanks- Rain 22 years old today Had you not died. My face would have less worry lines For all the tears I've cried. My husband would have the sister He deserved that slipped away. You would have been married now... Saturday would have been your wedding day. The boys would have brought your rings to you. The baby would have laughed through it all. And tried to crawl to the wedding cake As you stood so proud and tall. But none of that was meant to be. Little sister, little one. And we placed flowers on that stone. And I showed them to my sons. Mom placed blooms of yellow and white For our brother, dad and you. Somehow things will never again be right. Now everyday is somehow untrue. So I'm writing this to tell you happy birthday. I'm writing this because you are not here. I'm writing this because today is empty. And the only thing that fills it now is tears. ************************************************ Time suspended that day Reality ended its true ways Sanity bended, hope frayed. Life went undefended that day. Time seems fractured permanently. Separated into two eventualities. In one you are here. In the other you are not. As this world moves on The other will be forgotten. In my mind you will always be young. Your sweetest song forever unsung. You slip by me day after day... I find myself falling after your memory. Always. Weeping, My fingers grasp at time that will not spend, Life lives without you... Speeding on toward its end. -------------------------------------------------- Forgetting Out of the blue he asks me Do you remember the time? That Harmony taught me how to swim? The time that Harmony took me to her "place" (That is what he called her summer camp.) Do you remember that time that I Rode on a school bus with Harmony Aunt Harmony has that movie at her house. Can we go to that one place and see Harmony's body again? Mom, we NEED to put the bones back in Aunt Harmony, and then we should Put her spirit back in... and then ALWAYS, Sorrowfully: I know Harmony is dead mom, I know. And yesterday. Mom remember the time... What was that one name? What was her name mom? -------------------------------------------------- Holding You (To my baby sister Harmony-taken August 7, 2001) I talk to you inside my head I hear your voice laughing at me. Making your smart remarks Being who you used to be. I wear your clothes around Wanting you to see. Feel the touch of Nathan's miniature arms As he holds tight to me. Wanting you to live through me. Feel the softness of Gabe's hair... The breath of baby Sammy, Whom you've never seen Floating across your shirtsleeve. It is all that I can do, And I know it is not enough. You should be HERE to feel this touch, And I hold myself in this Lonely, hollow room. And hope somehow I am holding you. -------------------------------------------------- I cry alone At night Posting weary poems online The wretched tears Spilling onto my Keyboard. The world is Asleep. But not my grief. You were the one who Always understood. You were the one that I Always loved best. Now... Now... I don't know how to go on From here. So I cry alone At night. -------------------------------------------------- There are many words inside of me Purple -black and angry They spill out glossy at night From this mind to these fingertips To the anonymous alphabet fight. And I know that its getting old older and older to some who want me to be done But when you have half of you Burned away it means many words will Be needed to take up that space. I am building myself up one letter at a time Whether or not you read the rhyme. And this epileptic grief shakes me hard And my tongue is in my teeth. And I'm not there yet. But I'm getting there. -------------------------------------------------- old people are supposed to die they do it all the time paper thin blue tinged skin they are soooo at the end of the line i had an interview at a "Home" once Terrified me RAN to leave Afraid of DEATH just waiting around Smoking his cigarettes watching for Margret to shit her bed one Last time then he would Turn his wrist, the cig out, flick it To the ground and Collect her. She was READY to go Whether she knew it or not. And I looked at YOUR face in that Beautiful coffin, Thinking That's not right how they had to Fix an eyebrow out of your hair because That Truck slammed so hard into your Face. That your head caved in. And I am talking about you. 21 Was Death waiting there on the side of the road? Puffing on that togey? Just chilling out, enjoying the day while you Swerved, tread gone Into the astonished man who Stole your eyebrow? Old people are supposed to die. Not you. Not you... -------------------------------------------------- Rains Within stands alone Tiny heart is cold as stone She was once a gemini Her twin now dances in the sky Rains Within on sacred ground Bends to touch what she has found She looks ahead and sees the night Moon turns away , denying sight Rains Within knows what is done When inside the Rain there is no sun She pulls the awl across her skin Erasing what is cold within Drawing the pain with flesh and blood Doing what she knows she should The scars beat with her heart. Gemini twins. torn apart The blood will dry Her soul will fly To mend her heart must break And her healing flesh will make A broken scar of sorrow She will live to see tomorrow. -------------------------------------------------- You were the dawn that split the night. The chorused voice rejoicing after a hard fight. You were the wail that Harmonized with my pain... Parellel tears we cried again and again. You were the shadow thrown upon the wall of my soul. Within the pride of your heart I was always whole. Your eyes looking up to made me strong You loved me even when you knew I was wrong. No one will ever be all that you were to me. In my darkest night your laughing face is all I see. -------------------------------------------------- In a place you have never been. With a child you have never seen. He is growing strong in this world That I find alien and strange. Everything has changed. But this is reality now. And I must be here somehow. And live for him to show him who you were. And I must put aside my anger and disbelief. And simply grieve. -------------------------------------------------- How does he wave his chubby fists Without you here before him? How does he smile and coo Without you here to see him? How does he grow so quickly, So sure and strong...as the others did. Without you here to hold him, Smell him... Sing to him, Laugh at him? It seems so cruel to me that life goes on Without you. As if we don't need you here to Draw breath. How Mom must have cried Everyday after dad died. To see us growing up without him there. Not frozen in time as we should have been. I would still be nine years old as I was then. You would be four. It seems so cruel that I will be a grandmother someday. And you never had the chance to carry your own child. Serene Audrey... I miss you and that is all the legacy that I have. I cannot even pass that on to the baby Who has never known you. -------------------------------------------------- Dancing through the blossoms fallen from the crabapple tree With second hand shoes from the church across town I'm spinning around and you laugh with me With our pockets full of nothing we all fall down In the room we shared for a year or two The words sometimes flashed like lightning But we could always sneak out the window at nignt We we finally got tired of fighting... And I would drive you around in my blue cavalier And look into the future we tried to lay before us Talk about the crabapple tree we left behind on Crawford drive And our voices would sing that sweet chorus I hear the drizzle of the rain, like a memory it falls Soft and warm, continuing, tapping on my roof and walls... And as i watch the drops of rain weave their weary paths and die I know that I am like the rain, there but for the grace of you go i. It seems and instant now to me when I recall We both went from girls to women grown You raised yourself more than we other three I know that too often we left you all alone... But years swept by like the branches we'd left behind And time stretched ahead of us in an endless song You were my north , my south my east and my west.... I thought you would last forever and I was wrong... We live in a world where we are often confused So many times I would call you to begin my day You were my sunshine, my only sunshine You made me happy when skies were gray... I hear the rustle of the crabapple blossoms in my dreams... Last night I dreamed you had not died... When I awoke dear I was mistaken, And I hung my head and I cried. 1-11-02 -------------------------------------------------- Gramma Glenna had a sister Charlene She died years before I knew this family. Glenna spoke of her often. She was the shadow Thrown from Glenna's heart Into a world she had not survived. I never knew her, But she became real to me Through Glenna's eyes. Now Glenna is gone. I did not know Glenna enough. Granpa David is gone. I did not know David enough either. What type of shadow will I caste of them? What kind of echo will my words create? And Harmony... Sweet Harmony. You will be my Charlene. And my boys will say: Mom had a little sister once. Once. Can 21 years be so easily condensed? Yes. Memories can be counted, Broken down. They are finite. Gramma Glenna had a sister. I had a sister. She is now a shadow Thrown from my heart, Pressed on by the light of my soul... -------------------------------------------------- Remember She would say to me if she were here. Remember me to them Let them know no tears. Show them who I was. Show them who they can be. Remember me to them so they may see. Once upon a time I held them here. Close inside my soul so they would know. How much their little smiles where my sunshine When I felt that life was making me too old. Remember me to them, they were my babies. I loved them as if they were my very own. Remember me to them, please don't grow weary... For some day we will Remember here. At Home. -------------------------------------------------- If all my life were words, And A million were all I could write I know what they would echo From this dark and lonely night. Half would say I love you. Over and over again. The other half would read I miss you. And no more words would leave the pen. -------------------------------------------------- Stout little boy Look how you've grown With her silver hand upon your brow. You light our eyes with your uni-toothed smile. Sending slivers of heaven to cut our hearts. I see her in your brother. Dark, elfin child. Pixie chin, dimples from another world. And I know she watches. Comes to the middle one in dreams. He takes her a flower. A little boy not yet three, Giving away his heart to an angel. Do they remember? Will they remember? Did you meet her there before you came to us? Was she shimmering in that place? Was she laughing, pushing you down, Into our arms? I think you know her... Maybe more than I did. -------------------------------------------------- He is turning into you. Attitude. Dark hair and ebony eyes. It should be no surprise. You stole him from me when he was young. Made the bond between you so strong. He has none of your flesh or blood, But, oh if he could.... He would be no more like you than now. I often wonder how, You have done this And you are gone. Through him you carry on. -------------------------------------------------- Pictures of you Are everywhere. Burning my mind with your gaze. I want to fall into those photos And relive Every one of those days. How could I have let you go? How is it That you are no longer here? You were my heart And my everything. Losing you Was my greatest fear. They say you live on In Memory. But that's just a Simple lie. I don't want half recalled Days of the past. I want you to have your life. -------------------------------------------------- Sharing with you Was sweet. I don't want my own birthday cake. -------------------------------------------------- The God I Believe In (To my baby sister Harmony-taken August 7, 2001) The God I believe in Called angels around her. The God I believe in Wrapped her in light. I know in my soul He sent someone to hold her Or He held her Himself As her soul took flight. The God I believe in Took all her discomfort, Covered her pain In a shimmering gold. Wrapped silver wings Around all her confusion... And swiftly carried My baby sister home. ***© -------------------------------------------------- You Have Never Been only eternity you have been away my twin only friend i had robbed ripped so senselessly excuse my grief explain the honor of my babies' name for how would my sister matter if he will never meet you? we give pitiful tribute a legacy my best gemini half a little boy sleeps confidant of us time bears years that will never end to three boys you have never been. ***© -------------------------------------------------- Wrong Number I hear your voice On my cell phone mailbox only hours before you died You had dialed us instead of Julie. We did not check it for days, Until you were a ghost-voice haunting us. If I had answered the phone That morning Would you be here... Within the reach of a phone call To laugh about the Time your tread came off and you DID NOT swerve into oncoming traffic... Because I told you to be careful That morning when we talked. That was my last chance to talk to you... I didn't know. I swear I didn't know. ******© -------------------------------------------------- When did chance reach time? You died. You did. Every time I try to call, Any time I want to write. All I can tell myself is this: When did chance reach time? You died. You did. Today was a perfect day. I woke early to wake you too. Thought we'd take the kids to play, Just like we used to do... But time took things upon itself And chance met you instead... And everytime I picked up the phone I heard this voice inside my head. When did chance reach time? You died. You did. -------------------------------------------------- Few See My Grief Few see my grief They say I am strong They think I don't cry They are wrong It fills me like thunder Pushing out on my mind Discharges like lighting... And I'm hollow inside. In the storm In the tempest In the flickering light I live the fact that You've left me... Alone in this night. And knowing this truth: Until my life is through... I will wake every morning Without you. -------------------------------------------------- In the morning I awaken To 3 chubby bodies, Trespassing on my Shrinking bed. Calling me mama. Begging for cartoons and Cereal and MILK, CAN WE GO DOWNSTAIRS NOW?? Kisses, Yucky toddler morning breath the sweet Breath of life Affirmation. Another today, another yesterday... Yesterday's tomorrow. Life goes on. And for them I quietly Fold up, tuck in, and hide away My sorrow. -------------------------------------------------- a little boy you have never seen sleeps in a crib only a few feet away from me you two are parallel lines that will never meet how do i explain to him the name he bears, the only thing that we could give that would matter in the end an honor, a tribute, a legacy... a pitiful excuse for what you could have been to him and my other babies, my boys robbed of you as if you had never been three years old, and two how will i tell them of you? my best friend my confidant my sister the other half of that gemini twin ripped from us so senselessly if grief is time this is eternity. -------------------------------------------------- The golden sorrow put me begging again, Rocking. You fell away as the memory tore. That was the heartbeat I couldn't fill. Underneath your picture the dust moaned. Long years drew near in shadows. Memories with you scarcely worn, Scarcely there, pulled away. The roses were thorns of anguish, Tight pain to me. Your wedding dress, Beautiful somewhere today In a box, I'd remember As the box lid fell. And my hidden teardrops danced again. ***© -------------------------------------------------- To Have Over that last time. she asked if i wanted the boys to sleep with her as i made them a pallet on the floor beside the couch. no. i said. they will be fine. And they were asleep minutes later, exhausted by the long day. we woke early. my pregnant belly leading me off the couch to the bathroom. as usual. we sat around listening to straight outta compton trying to remember all the words to a bitch is a bitch. laughing.always laughing. that last time. she offered to drive, i declined. what if? what if it had happened that day? what if i could have turned fate aside? or would we all have died... showed her the place we were thinking of moving to, asked if she wanted to get out and see "I'll see it if you move there soon enough anyway." no. no you won't. you will be dead. dead. you will be dead little sister. little baby sister who i watched sleep from your earliest days. my first baby, of all my babies. i held you on my hip first. before I had my own. that last time. we had lunch. scorned the waitress who did not wait on us. she got no tip. and yet she lives. strange. my sons did not want you to go at the end of that day. and i, i did not get out of the car to give you a hug. but gave you a pinkie hug instead. remember? only you and i would think that is funny in the face of death. that last time. there was only a pinkie hug. i miss you. every day. every day. every day. i have to stop thinking about all the other days that i will miss you, or i will die. i only allow myself this one day. that last time i saw you... talked to you, laughed with you. that last time my sons held you. i wish i had it back, not to do over, just to have over. ***© -------------------------------------------------- They say that lightning discharges the storm. Thunder is truth. The tempest pushing the night. I cry Without knowing this: They live hollow inside Like me. -------------------------------------------------- I see you in my mind. Strong. I think grief will wake me. Flickering light fills the morning. I'm wrong. And Alone. -------------------------------------------------- Within the traffic of days We talk about you Ghost Haunting us I hear your voice. You laugh. If time was chance We would swerve to reach you. Instead I check my cellphone. You DID call that morning. I know that voice... Only hours before You died. -------------------------------------------------- Those last few months, that last year So many loose ends drawn near Things we had all put off Done. All of us coming together as one Things out of character that somehow were right Making it easier to sleep at night... And though she has left us we seem to be Becoming a family in Harmony -------------------------------------------------- To our little home on Crawford Drive you were brought that May I'll never forget how we fought over your name that fine spring day Jenny wanted Deborah, Gramma Dorothy wanted you named Anne But when it all came right down to it Momma had the master plan She said your middle name was to be Beth, I never asked her why You know my middle name she just picked out of the sky... But what she told us next would surprise the whole family. Becuase life is always a song, she named you Harmony. Your deep brown eyes and little grin charmed us through and through And your beautiful soul simply blossomed as you grew You became a young woman with the whole world at your feet... You were my best friend and sister...my baby's Aunt Harmony. You changed so many people and made them whole Inside your human heart there was an angels' soul But it seems there is no reason to some of life's rhyme Sometimes we have a tempo that is out of time Your life was higher and sweeter than the melody we heard Your beautiful soul and laughing eyes could not be contained in words And that humble day in August when the angels took you aside... That sweet refrain became a whisper and disappeared when you died. They said it was an instant And you were gone But that moment will last forever In my life's song. When your voice was silenced My life's melody... Became a hollow solo Without my Harmony. -------------------------------------------------- Someone Called Sister Shimmering soul Wrapped in someone called sister Her home in the light took her. The wings around her soul held her to God. Believe Believe Believe in God. He himself carried my baby around. Swiftly Covered her all in gold. -------------------------------------------------- I close my eyes and I see your face That laughing smile I can't erase There is not one thing that I can do... I don't want to remember you. Once you were here with me And life was good We shared all the secrets Like close sisters should Now I turn your pictures over too I don't want to remember you. I think this world is cruel and sad. How can one heart hurt so bad? How can this lie be the truth? I dont want to remember you. Your face should not be a memory I still want you here with me I'm not finished being a sister to you... I want to laugh like we used to do. I want to hold you in my arms I swear this time you will know no harm I promise this time you will make it through Because I dont want to remember you. If I close my eyes I see your face... It's a memory I can't erase. It's a pain time wont undo... Because I remember you. -------------------------------------------------- Another year has begun Without you here to hold my sons. Another day has dawned... And I still feel I have been wronged. Another slap across my face... Everytime my mind erases That you are gone. -------------------------------------------------- If love could echo From this dark night Would you leave words? What lonely half would? My pen and I write again. Over and over I miss you. No million words could say more. The other half Would know. -------------------------------------------------- In that Place Where our mind takes us In the silky mists On the path to sleep There is a shadowy turn in the bend Where the weeds are tall And tangled. If we wake still in this place We pull it back with us, Fog rolling into our Bedrooms. And nothing familiar there Will remain. The ceiling will be a lake of slated marble. The walls... A horizon of fire. The clock on the table... Tiny red sticks upon A sacrificial pyre... Glowing red from spirit heat. Here is the place we go to dream. Here is the place where Reality is suspended indefinitely And the world we create for ourselves Endures for as long as it can, Breathes until We stop giving it breath. Here is where we are afraid to be asked... Or to ask others "Who do you love?" The answer may bleed. I was There last night. Holding this baby in my arms. This baby that you have never laid eyes on, Outside of my skin. I was there as I held him, Rocked him back to sleep From a troubled rest. And I felt you there. Closer than skin. As if you'd just left. In a way you had... And as I searched his face, I knew. That there, in that Place. You are dead now too. Finally. Finally. I cannot breathe you alive there Anymore. Reality. If there is Reality. Has Become. And even in the place where I go to dream, In the place where all hearts are bared, The place where we grow our souls Night after endless night. You will no longer meet me there. You swirl around me, Becoming a memory there as well. It is done. You are gone. _________________________________________________ On my way to the store For milk and bread Wanting someone to listen As I clear my head... There is one small gesture My heart cant un-teach Wanting to call you I reach. I reach for the cell phone On the passenger side Reach for your presence A motion I can't hide So obviously mistaken My arm falls by my side An old habit I've not lost In the year since you died. Its midnight and I'm tired And my day has gone wrong I want someone to listen It won't take too long. I only want an audience All my woes to unleash... Wanting to call you I reach. I reach for the cell phone To call you again. My brain and my heart Are not talking and when My hand touches the numbers My heart tells my head Why can't you remember? She is dead. And I know in my soul That you will never be back And it hits me like thunder When my body reacts As if you are somewhere waiting For your cellphone to ring... I bury you again Every time that I reach. __________________________________________ Opening my soul for this pain I relive your legacy again and again. Like a lance to my festering heart... It rips me open and tears me apart. The anger is never far from my lips Its spills endlessly from my fingertips. For I live in a life that continues on When all that you were is gone. I don't know if I can be you for anyone... I don't know how to show your soul to my sons I don't know if I can be both you and I. But I know that I have to try. Opening my soul for this pain... I relive your legacy again and again... Taking the next breath is all I can do. When I know there is so much more that I owe you. |
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