Substituting at "Nancy's Poetry Review Forum " --
Request: This is my first attemp at a Trijan Refrain, and I would love a review.

What is on the page:

The requirements for a Trijan Refrain:

three stanzas of 9 lines each, 27 lines total - correct.

Line 1 of each stanza is the same (optional) - correct (with typos).

As the refrain, Lines 7 and 8 each repeat the first 4 syllables of line 5 - incorrect.

--> These two lines should each consist of ONLY the first 4 syllables of Line 5. This poem repeats 3 syllables and then adds other words.

--> Line 5 should be different in each stanza, and the refrains should be different in each stanza. This poem begins each line 5 the same, so the refrains are all repeating the same words.

Rhyme scheme: AbabccDDc AeaeffGGf AhahiiJJi, where A is the repeated line and D, G, and J are the refrains for each stanza -- incorrect.

--> This poem gets the A and a partly correct. The -ing endings of the words are not accented. The rhyme would be -arling, not -ing.

--> This poem repeats end words in pairs: now/how, hard/scared, see/sees. Generally, in a poem where repetition is featured, the required repetition should be the only structural repetition.

--> This poem uses rather loose near rhymes in several places: wind/end, now/know/now (one doesn't repeat the same words in a set of rhymes - they need to be different words), hard/scared, sees/eyes

--> Sometimes a line doesn't rhyme with what it is supposed to at all: missed you / missed nothing

Syllable counts for the lines in each stanza: 868688448 -- incorrect.

--> In this poem all the non-refrain lines are too short, the refrain lines are too long, and the lines are inconsistent lengths.

In order to be a Trijan Refrain, this poem would require a lot of rewriting.


Other observations:

The progression of swirling, storming, striking is effective at building tension.

The lightning is turned into a third sentient character in the poem with the use of: it will not know / it sees / keeping tabs. If this is intentional, the first line mentioning the lightning should introduce it as a sentient character by using a similar kind of verb. Waiting until later means the lightning is introduced as a thing, and then switched into a character, which is inconsistent.

Some of the wording in the poem is filler rather than contributing details to the narrative: all instances of "now" (this repetition makes the poem sing-song-y) / Are these the end? / do you know how? / I know how. In a poem, every word should count.

The punctuation and capitalization are inconsistent.


Stage in the writing process (from 1.0 to 5.0): 2.0 -- a first draft that still needs work to meet the stated goal.


Keep writing!