Substituting at "Nancy's Poetry Review Forum " --
Request: #196. "A review please"  
          I would very much like a review of my poem
          Now I have never been taught poetry and have only recently started writing it. I am looking for absolutely no-frills honesty. I personally feel that without the truth how will I learn what is good.
          I look forward to any feedback you can give me
          Maggie

What is on the page:

The CinqTroisDecaLa Rhyme form:
One 10-lined stanza.
The rhyme scheme is AABBCCCABC. 2 out of 3 ; L1 (entlessly) and L2 (in me) aren't correct rhymes with L8 (sea) because the last syllables aren't accented.
The syllable count of each line is 15. , noting that emerald must be pronounced as three syllables rather than two (which would also be correct).

Other observations:

The lines are unusually long, which makes the use of punctuation somewhere in the middle of the line desirable for being able to read it aloud. Some lines have it, some don't; some have it that shouldn't, and some don't have it that should.

The meter is choppy in places.

The extended metaphor of a ship at sea is fairly consistent throughout.

The poem uses extra in-line rhymes and alliterative effects.

Stage in the writing process (from 1.0 to 5.0): 3.0 -- it's functional in that the reader can figure out what's going on. It has some interesting things going on, but also has some places where there are some significant problems. Worth continuing to work on.


Suggestions:

my stomach churns with emerald furls; crashing surf within me.
--> this line is awkward. This usage of furls is questionable. In working on a rewrite, the two-syllable pronunciation of emerald is an option for keeping the syllable count at 15.
--> a semicolon is not used to separate a phrase - only two complete clauses.

I'm a victim of this pride born tide, there's no one else to blame,
no scoundrel standing at the helm; I am aching all the same.
--> These two lines sandwich opposing ideas without using a but or the equivalent to keep things straight.
--> Victim implies other pretty strongly -- the lack of other needs to be made clear to overcome that.
--> Using both I'm and I am is inconsistent.
--> Incorrect usage of commas and semicolons here.

but careless spurns have pinioned,
--> this "but" interferes with the connection between the two parts. This is more of a because.
--> This is an incorrect usage of pinioned. It needs a direct object. Another verb may be easier to work with, or not using have.

I long for torpid oceans, with its promise of calm and peace
--> torpid just doesn't sound very good here. Another factor is that being becalmed was just as hazardous for sailors as storms were. What they wanted were fair winds.
--> oceans requires their, not its; for consistency, oceans should be singular.

these gust thrust seas
this pride born tide
--> an adjective phrase positioned in front of the noun it modifies takes hyphens: gust-thrust / pride-born
--> for consistency with sea, which is set by the rhyme, these seas should be singular - this sea.

I pray for pains decrease
--> pains is a possessive; decrease indicates pain is used as a mass noun rather than something countable: pain's

eager aspirations that I can tame the sea.
--> taming the sea is only one aspiration.

Resolute determination will deliver me my aim;
--> The poem uses "pray" but doesn't have any prayer format lines. This one could be adjusted to do that: May resolute determination deliver...

The poem comes close to being cleave-able, if one is careful about where the line splits. Some of the lines don't segue into each other.

Meter:

1 -/-/-/-/,/-/-/--;
2 -/-/-/--/;/-/-/-.
3 --/-/-/-/,-/-/-/,
4 -/-/-/-/;/-/-/-/.
5 -/--/-/-/ -/-/-/
6 -/-/-/-,---/-/-/. <-- too many unaccented syllables in a row
7 -/-/-/-,--/--/-/ <-- too many unaccented syllables in a row
8 -/-/-/-/- -/-/-/.
9 /-/-/-/- --/-/-/; <-- too many unaccented syllables in a row
0 -/-/--/-/,-/-/-/.


Keep writing!