Substituting at "Nancy's Poetry Review Forum " --
Request: #187 on 01-17-10 @ 2:04 pm -- "Please, I seek honest reviews on my poetry"  
Please, I seek honest reviews on my poetry
Here's the lastest one I wrote for a contest

What is on the page:

The piece does a couple of poetic things. It uses a specific statement to set up an expected organization, and makes an interesting observation metaphorically comparing the down-time of each season to the nine months of pregnancy.

It reads more like prose than verse. Most of the time the language isn't very poetic.

This appears to be using line breaks in some places, and in other places puts a whole sentence on one long line. A prose poem is usually formatted in a paragraph instead of using line breaks.

The long stanza + short concluding stanza format makes it harder to see the parallels between the passages about each season. Using an intro stanza, four stanzas for the body (one per season), and a concluding stanza would make it easier to see how the parallelism is working and (for rewrite) where things get off track.

Stage in the writing process (from 1.0 to 5.0): 2.0 -- good for a first draft, needs to be organized, cleaned up, and to have the language tightened.

Suggestions:

Check for periods at the ends of sentences. Several are missing.

Check the capitalization, which is inconsistent. Either capitalize only the beginnings of sentences, or capitalize every line.

Our Mother Earth does its’ own renewal
--> its -- no apostrophe for the possessive pronoun.

Peaking out searching for the sun which sustains all life.
--> peeking

the Mayan Indians head dress.
--> Mayan Indians' (meaning the group) or Mayan Indian's (meaning one specific Mayan)

You see in the seasons a constant source of death, rebirth, and renewal.
As our lives
--> "You" is inconsistent. The rest of the poem is talking in terms of "we".

Our Creator never allows us to grow weary of the seasons. +
As winter dies beneath the earth it prepares for rebirth +
When we tire of the winter chill looking upon nature we see life forming again. +
Spring brings on summer where the lushness of the earth
Displays a kaleidoscope of colors. +
Autumn comes as we think summer will never wipe the sweat from our brow
--> The first quoted line sets up a structural expectation that there will be a "not to grow weary" passage for each season. Instead there are two somewhat redundant lines for winter to spring, of which one fits the pattern, a line for spring to summer that doesn't follow the "weary" pattern, and a line for summer to autumn that follows the pattern. The line for autumn to winter is missing.

As winter dies | beneath the earth | it prepares for rebirth
--> This line contains three parts which don't connect together into one sentence that makes sense.

all take advantage of the display.
--> It's not clear what this is talking about.

As our lives do the same, so does our earth.
--> These are both subordinate clauses. There's no main clause to attach them to.

As a child grows in the Seasons womb
Nine months to perfection
Our Mother Earth does its’ own renewal
Never dying
--> this passage doesn't make it clear that it's talking about a comparison of a human child being in the womb for nine months, to each season also taking nine months before it comes around again.

And as caretakers of the earth we start pruning in order to bring new life.
Just as we are [ ] in life to help us grow spiritually,
Through our trials and tribulations
Plants and trees are done so to bring more buds or to root
And bring about new plants.
--> This passage needs to be organized better.
--> The second line seems to be missing a word.
--> Perhaps "done so" would read better if it just said "pruned", or if the two sentences were combined to eliminate the repetition.
--> This passage is serious, and is not matched in the sections for the other seasons either with similar serious considerations or with a continuation of this thought.

As I write this poem
Beneath my feet the world continues to go through the seasons of life
--> This can't be fixed with punctuation. It must be rewritten. A comma after poem is missing, and the phrase "Beneath my feet" is misplaced in the sentence. At the moment, the writing is happening beneath the feet. It would be less ambiguous with the phrase between world and continues.


Keep writing!