Hi MDuci .

I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item"  in honor of "The Earth Day Challenge" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

Overall Impression. To be sure, your offering is the first one I've found that is fictional in nature, although with an important message. If I felt comfortable reviewing poetry, I'd have no problems with answering this reviewing challenge. Thanks.

Quite a somber look at the future of man, one can only hope we wise up and change our destructive ways. I can imagine any number of ways we might arrive at such a future ... none of them good. While it's too late for the people that the woman addresses, perhaps we who read these words can take them to heart.

Are the end days upon us? I know many who say yes. I don't believe that, and I applaud your efforts to raise awareness of what we are doing to the Earth that we may stop such actions.

Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

          You have one woman (who I think of as a prophet woman, in this case, because of her obvious superiority over the current citizens she addresses) who speaks to a woman (singular). Yet she addresses them as  "My sisters, ..."  Is this a typo?

          I must address the old controversy between that and which. The use of that is restrictive, which means it tells you a necessary piece of information about what you are referring. Which is non-restrictive; it just provides descriptive information.

    they would bring upon the mountain and all which that it surrounded.  

    breath of life into the dirt and created all which that walked upon the earth  

The bottom line is this: if you can tell what thing is being discussed without the which or that clause, use which; if you can't, use that. Also, using which requires a comma before the phrase; that doesn't.

          I found this line awkward to read. I think it would make stronger statement broken into separate sentences.

    But that life was not appreciated by all mankind, he could not live with the singing of birds, so he destroyed them, he could not live with the smell of fresh pines, so he cut them down and in doing so he destroyed them.

    But that life was not appreciated by all mankind. He could not live with the singing of birds, so he destroyed them. He could not live with the smell of fresh pines, so he cut them down. In doing so he destroyed them all.

          The comma after Mankind is not needed here. In fact, I think you'll have a stronger statement by ending after bored.

    Mankind, became bored, so he began to gouge out ...

    Mankind became bored. So, he began to gouge out ...

          Each new paragraph that the woman (prophet) is speaking needs to begin with an open quote mark. You've correctly ended the monologue.   

My Rating.  4.0.  You have a great deal of potential with this above average piece; in my opinion, it just needs a little polishing to shine.

Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

You responded to this review 04/25/2010 @ 2:43pm EDT

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