Hello Ryan

I found your story in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this review helpful. The following critique is merely my opinion of your writing, so please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Plot Summary ~

A lowly palace servant boy is taken into the service of a visiting Mage.


General Comments ~

I think that you have the beginnings of a great story here. There seem to me to be echoes of Gormenghast and other fantasy tropes which you seem to be using in a unique way. They are ingredients which, I think, will make for a lively and fun tale. You have a wonderful writing style and I think your attention to detail with Graneth's surroundings really makes for an involving read.

I wondered a bit as to the motive of the Mage going to that particular palace to find a servant of his own. It feels like too much of a coincidence that Graneth just happens to be picked for the job. Perhaps you could give the reader a hint that Graneth has some talent or quality which is out of the ordinary that would lead the Mage to seek him out.

I think, too, that this chapter is lacking any foreshadowing. Foreshadowing is important literary device which gives the reader hints of the excitement and conflict to come and helps to keep them interested.

Also, there are a few questionable bits of worldbuilding, which I will address below.

Characters ~


Your protagonist, Graneth, is a really well drawn character. He comes across as likeable and intelligent. He is a bit of a dreamer, but then who wouldn't want a better lot than the one he was born to? I like the fact that he injured himself whilst playing with knives in the armoury and has a troublesome scar. I also like the fact that he wasn't party to every piece of information or knowledge going around - For all his gossip, this was one piece of information that had passed him by

Harrian, Mage of the Altrum Circle and the Maeran Council, appears to be an important secondary character. He seems Gandalfesque, apart from his seemingly complete arrogance and confrontational style.


Scene/Setting/Worldbuilding ~

Does this opening to the story take place in a palace or a castle? I ask because you mention both - The vast majority of those who came to call at the palace were self-serving sycophants with a penchant for flattery and then - “Boy! There is a guest at the castle. See to it that he is well cared for.” One tends to think of a palace as an extremely grand house and a castle as a defensive stronghold and I wouldn't say that the two terms were interchangeable.

The Emperor didn't seem to me to be any too bright or particularly imperial in his manner. You said that Graneth had heard of Maeran Councils (or should that be councillors?), so would not the Emperor know about the Mages of the Altrum Circle and the Maeran Council?If not, then why not? Also, if the council supply advisors to monarchs and rulers, then why doesn't this particular emperor have one? Also, if the emperor does know about the Mages then I would expect that he would not be surprised by Harrion's manner and behaviour in the imperial hall and would deal with him with imperial dignity.

Beyond the walls of the gate, stretching for miles, was a barren wasteland, filled with reddish dust that whipped and swirled with the slightest breath of wind. Where does the town/city get its food if there are no farms in the vicinity? You say taht Graneth is a son of a farmer, so where are the farms? Also, there is a market, but what commodities does the town/city produce that it can trade if it surrounded by barren wasteland? In what way does the place qualify as being an empire?


Grammar/Mechanics/Dialogue ~

There were only a very few things which jumped out at me -

feeling the all to familiar tightness slowly form under his right eye Typo here it should be too

He walked in with all the grace of a drunken ostrich,? This is a nice metaphor but not, I think, wholly appropriate for your character (or your story) unless ostriches are a part of your character's world. Metaphors and similies should always fit within the context of your story. Inappropriate metaphors do throw the reader out of the story.

As the neared the great golden doors to the hall, Typo - a missing y should be they

I think this is a great start and would love to read more.

Thank you for sharing your story. Keep writing and have fun!

I hope my thoughts are useful to you

Amanda

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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