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Review #3554978
Viewing a review of:
 At The Bottom of Everything Ep1 Pt 1  [18+]
The first part of a sitcom script about the unluckiest man in the world.
by Melvin Herring
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.


Hi,

Well, I'll first say this: it wasn't at all what I was expecting! The plot was engaging and moved at a fast pace keeping me wanting to read on. I thought that the comedy was great and extremely funny.

Scene 1:

Alex says: "I don’t mind as long as I can hear your beautiful voice I don’t mind."
You don't need two lots of 'I don't mind'. Personally I would keep the second 'I don't mind' and discard the first.

Sarah says: "Don’t get me wrong I think you’re a nice guy and sweet..."
You need a comma after 'Don't get me wrong'.

Alex says: "you know the one were all the casts were prisoners"
'Casts' should be 'cast' as it refers to one cast containing multiple members.
You also need a comma here "You enjoyed, that didn’t you?"


I really enjoyed scene 1. It introduced the main character of Alex well and it showed us Sarah, whom I assume is who Alex is going to be after throughout the piece. I also love how you used certain cliches, such as 'It's not you, it's me'. I would like to know what Alex thinks to piano players being one myself!

Scene 2:

Alex says: "Does this mean I'm fired?"
I'm not sure who he's saying this to. If its the case that he's saying it rhetorically to nobody in particular, then perhaps an indication of the tone of voice he uses might be useful.


I love the penis analagy the boss uses. The whole feel of the piece feels a little like the IT Crowd crossed with The Inbetweeners on steroids!

Great script and I'm looking forward to reading more!

Write On!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/19/2011 @ 2:48pm EDT
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