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It is my pleasure to review

Untitled - Chapter 1  (18+) Chapter One to an as yet untitled Urban Fantasy piece. I've done no revising to this piece #1789378 by Donovan

in affiliation with "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers" 

This review was requested through the "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 

PLOT / STORY-LINE / THEME
I like where this story is going. Jack and his “emissary”, Eddie, seem to be in an interesting line of work. It reads like an old detective novel, but with a delightful, unique flare.


TITLE / DESCRIPTION OF ITEM
This is just my opinion, Donovan, but I would go ahead and give it some kind of title. You can always change it later. A title would probably attract more readers and offer you more feedback to your story. Same thing with your brief description of the story:
Chapter One to an as yet untitled Urban Fantasy piece. I've done no revising to this piece
Instead of saying the obvious, tell us what the story is about. Also, if you announce that you have done no revisions, no one is going to want to read it because they’ll think you haven’t tried to improve it since you submitted it June 28th.


STRUCTURE / POV / CLARIFICATION
The construction of this first chapter is excellent. It moves at a steady, easy pace and each detail in the actions is precise with no areas of conflict or confusion. Your POV control from the view point of Jack was flawless.


SETTINGS / CHARACTERS / DIALOGUE
Your characterization of Jack and Eddie and even the girl, (doe-in-the-headlights type) Ally, were vivid and detailed enough for the reader to feel a connection with the characters. The settings were described with enough detail to allow the reader a clear view of Jack’s apartment, the cold night, and the “warehouse”. Now, the dialogue is where you really shine, Donovan!! Outstanding communication and banter between Jack and Eddie. Their conversation was realistic, believable, and well animated, awarding unique personality to each character.


GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION / SPELLING
I’d like to point out some grammar and punctuation issues, if I may, for your consideration.
I won’t annoy you with every nit-picky comma infraction, but I feel a well edited and polished submission is the mark of a serious writer. I will be glad to offer a formal edit of this item at your request.

You wrote:
The walls worn and polished smooth, stretch far back and out of sight.
Some commas properly placed and correction of verb-tense will clarify this sentence for your readers.
The walls, worn and polished smooth, stretched far back and out of sight.

You wrote:
I opened my eyes and could allready already feel last night's whiskey reeking wreaking its havoc in my skull.
There are some spelling problems here.

You wrote:
A fist hammered the door again, nearly shaking it in it's its frame.
No apostrophe should be there in the word “it’s” because it’s not a contraction in this sentence.

You wrote:
"I'm coming, I'm coming." I said, still bleary eyed and fighting the hangover.
You need a comma at the end of the quoted dialogue because what follows is a quote tag.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," I said, still bleary eyed and fighting the hangover.

You wrote:
I stagger stepped towards the door, pulling it open.
I would think, in this case, that “stagger-stepped” is a compound word. Also, no “s” is needed after “toward”.
"Toward" (without the "s") is American English and "towards" (with the "s") is British English. The same holds true for other words ending in "ward," such as "backward" and "forward." So it really just depends on which side of the pond you live. http://bluepencilediting.blogspot.com/2008/01/handy-hint-toward-vs-towards.html
I stagger-stepped toward the door, pulling it open.

You wrote:
He was dressed shabby, as per the usual, but managed to make it look good.
The word “shabby” is an adjective, but in the context of this sentence, you need an adverb.
He was dressed shabbily, as per the usual, but managed to make it look good.

You wrote:
"Talk to Mel lately?" He he asked.

You wrote:
My eyes narrowd narrowed just the slightest…

You wrote:
I leaned forward, raising a brow, my interest peaked piqued.

You wrote:
I have no social security card, no driver's liscence license, and a throw away pre paid throw-away pre-paid phone that I replace weekly.

You wrote:
“The cops gave her the usual speel spiel about false reports…”

  [Total Word count: 1696 ~ Grammar-Punctuation-Spelling Errors: 46 ~ Error Ratio: 2.71% ]  
Less than 1% is considered by most publishers to be a well edited and polished piece.


OVERALL COMMENTS
I think you’ve got a winner here, Donovan. I truly hope you continue this tale, and I am eager to go on to the next chapter. You have quite a unique writing style and talent as a storyteller. The only thing holding me back from giving this work a 5-star rating is the numerous grammar and spelling errors. Let me know if you need any help in that area.
Nice job.

Thank you for this opportunity to review your work.
My suggestions and opinions are offered only in the spirit of helpfulness with no intentions of offense or disrespect of your hard work here.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"