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It is my pleasure to review

Erlund's Curse  (13+) Ciara is sent on her first wizard task as a fully fledged apprentice, but is she ready? #1797399 by FiFi Jo

in affiliation with "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers" 

This review was requested through the "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 

PLOT / STORY-LINE / THEME
I enjoyed this story very much. It is an intriguing story-line of the disciplined wizard apprentice, Ciara, loyally fulfilling her last task for her mentor, Belgar—to deliver a scroll to Erlund’s emissary, Scar. As she enters the town where she is to meet Scar, she encounters many dead and wounded townsfolk, yet no apparent enemy is in sight. I was captivated from beginning to end and was sorry when I reached the last paragraph, for I wanted more. That’s the mark of a good story!!


TITLE / DESCRIPTION OF ITEM
The title is not yet apparent to this reader which tells me it is a work in progress and there is much more to come. Yea!!


STRUCTURE / POV / CLARIFICATION
The story is very well structured, easy to read, and the sequence of events is clear and believable.
Your control of point of view is excellent. The first part of the story is told from Belgar’s POV. I have a suggestion. When you switch to Ciara’s POV beginning with this sentence, you might consider identifying that switch with an indicator for the reader—like asterisks:
***
Ciara felt saddened by his sudden and seemingly insensitive farewell.


SETTINGS / CHARACTERS / DIALOGUE
Your descriptions of the settings were well balanced with just enough imagery for the reader to clearly picture his/her surroundings, yet not overly exposed with unnecessary exposure to put us to sleep. Your characterization of Belgar, Ciara, and even the brief glimpse of Scar allowed us to actually get to know them, and their dialogue awarded each their own unique personality. The conversation between Belgar and Ciara was realistic and believable.


GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION / SPELLING
I’d like to point out some grammar and punctuation issues, if I may, for your consideration.
I won’t annoy you with every nit-picky comma infraction, but I feel a well edited and polished submission is the mark of a serious writer.

You wrote:
Belgar was not very good at goodbye's.
No apostrophe should be there in “goodbyes.”

Her tall lithe frame seemed to carry the weight of the world on it's shoulders,…
“Its” should not have an apostrophe. In this case, it isn’t a contraction for “it is.”

He is the only Elf that ever takes notice of us Belgar, why is that?"
This is a comma-splice. There are actually 2 separate sentences here. Also, you need a comma before the direct address of “Belgar.”
He is the only Elf that ever takes notice of us, Belgar. Why is that?"

Her enquiring mind was often too much for Belgar's quiet sensitivities, she talked too much and she asked too many questions.
This is a comma-splice. There are actually 2 separate sentences here.
Her enquiring mind was often too much for Belgar's quiet sensitivities. She talked too much and she asked too many questions.

Yes, Belgar looked forward to some much earned rest, although, with Elves on the march it looked like he wouldn't be getting too much of that.
This is a comma-splice. There are actually 2 separate sentences here. But in this case, a semicolon would be fine before the introductory transitional word “although.” Also, a comma is needed after the introductory phrase “with elves on the march.”
Yes, Belgar looked forward to some much earned rest; although, with Elves on the march, it looked like he wouldn't be getting too much of that.

”You must take great heed to what I am about to tell you".
I noticed there are several places where you place the final punctuation in a quote outside the quotation mark when it should be inside.
”You must take great heed to what I am about to tell you."

"But Belgar! No one can get in to see Erlund - it is impossible.
It is permissible to use an em dash to separate two independent clauses, but not a hyphen. Also, you need a comma before the direct address of Belgar.
"But, Belgar! No one can get in to see Erlund—it is impossible.

Now run along girl, there is no time to waste, for I hear the Mokton carriage approaching".
Now run along girl. There is no time to waste, for I hear the Mokton carriage approaching."

"I have so many things I need to..." she stopped suddenly as Belgar raised his hand.
When you use ellipses in dialogue, it is an indication the speaker is hesitating, pausing. When the speaker is interrupted or his words are cut off, an em dash is used. Also, “she” should be capitalized because this is not a quote tag.
"I have so many things I need to—" She stopped suddenly as Belgar raised his hand.

And with that, Belgar apparated out of the room.
I had to look up “apparated” and I learned something new! It is a Harry Potter reference to the art of appearing and disappearing. I like it. Very good!!

What could have done this?! Ciara screamed to herself.
Since you’ve already established the fact that Ciara is yelling her question to herself with your punctuation marks and your italics, you don’t need to include the statement that she screamed to herself. This is considered redundant. By the way, have you ever heard of the punctuation mark called a INTERROBANG? It is the combination of an exclamation point and a question mark. I think it’s pretty cool, but it’s not an established punctuation mark.
Here’s more info about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang

As the barracks for the towns soldiers were located here, it stood to reason that the men & woman of the Mokton legion…
An apostrophe is needed for “town’s soldiers.” It’s not a good idea to use the ampersand (&) in formal writing.
As the barracks for the town’s soldiers were located here, it stood to reason that the men and woman of the Mokton legion…

….., taking care to stay over an arms reach away…..
Need an apostrophe for “arm’s reach.”

Scout's were hardy and battle trained, …..
No apostrophe for “Scouts.”

"Pocket" scar struggled to talk, …..
Scar is trying to say something here, but he is having trouble since he is kind of dying and all, so you might consider ellipses for hesitation. Also “Scar” needs to be capitalized.
"P…pocket…" Scar struggled to talk, …..

Overall, I thought this was really entertaining and I hope you continue the story. Let me know if you do. I want to read more about Erlund’s Curse!!

Thank you for this opportunity to review your work.
My suggestions and opinions are offered only in the spirit of helpfulness with no intentions of offense or disrespect of your hard work here.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"