Hi Vampyr14 !  I’m reviewing your chapter for our groups: "Invalid Item"  and "Invalid Item" 

Title: "Invalid Item"  Ch 15

Plot:
There’s a huge plot development in this chapter between Livvie and Bianca. Since I’ve read the blurb, it didn’t take me by surprise, but if I didn’t know what this book was about, I would have been rather taken aback. The girls have barely had three conversations. They don't chat on phone, they don't hang out together, they aren’t really friends. There wasn’t even a hint of attraction before this. The scene comes off as if it’s a liquor-induced experiment, which doesn’t put either girl in a good light.

In Taillights, I was dying for Tony and Jake to get together. Why? Because they were friends, Tony was in love, and he wanted to do something about it for a long time. So you created a relationship and a goal for Tony. Boyfriend is missing this. There is no real relationship, no trust, no attraction—thus, no expectation from the reader. The fact it happens because they’re drunk is especially disconcerting because Livvie just went through a drunken mess with Jesse. So Chapter 13 is Liquor + Sex = Bad Experience; and Chapter 15 is Liquor + Sex = Good Experience.

Without any foreshadowing, without a real relationship between Livvie and Bianca, and because it happens when they’re drunk, right after another drunken fiasco, I felt more like a voyeur watching a porn film than a participant in Livvie’s story who’s hoping, wishing, expecting they’ll get together. (Not that the scene bears any resemblance to porn, but it has the same arbitrary, we're-doing-it-because-it's-in-the-script feel.)

Style & Voice:
As always, the writing style and voice of the character are strong and sure. It was easy to understand Livvie’s motivations and her feelings.

Referencing:
No errors detected.

Scene/Setting:
The descriptions of the art gallery were very good, especially the mismatched colors of the paintings. I thought Bianca’s line about her cat doing better than the artist was very funny.

I wasn’t so happy with the description of them getting drunk. Here are my concerns:

Since Livvie just had an awful experience with a drunken lout, and hated the taste of beer, it’s hard to reconcile her getting drunk on wine (and having a romantic encounter) the very next day.

Within only about 500 words, Livvie went from taking her first sip of wine to having drunk four and struggling to walk. It seemed very quick because there was very little description of her getting tipsy: feeling slightly dizzy, smiling for no reason, slurring her words, etc. It felt as if you decided to have them get drunk in this scene and just wrote it that way. There needs to be a stronger feeling of time passing and the physical symptoms should be introduced a little at a time—perhaps as they wander to look at other paintings or overhear and roll their eyes at other guests’ comments.

They stumble twice in the gallery, and are hanging on to each other trying to stand, giggling hysterically, but the next moment, they’re trotting down some stairs and letting the giggles ‘trapped’ inside escape. If they can hardly stand, they cannot trot down the stairs. If they’ve been laughing, there are no giggles trapped inside—they’re escaping easily.

Do you really want your two heroines to have their first kiss in a drunken stupor? That makes it seem like if not for the alcohol, it would never happen, that Livvie would never be tempted. (She certainly has never had a thought about it before this.)

Characters:
There’s a bit of a disconnect here for me about Livvie’s character. It doesn’t quite make sense to me that she’d get drunk immediately after having a drunken guy force himself on her at a party.

I think it’s very important to show Livvie and Bianca having a close friendship before this. Livvie’s going through troubles and her friends are busy, so it’s easy to understand why she’d need a new friend. If Livvie starts to depend on Bianca and value their relationship, then it makes sense that it could blossom into more. But the suddenness of the actions makes it a little creepy and accidental, like a one-night-stand…(and those are tawdry...)

I’m struggling with how to balance the physical with the emotional in my own novel. I’m trying to show only a bit of physical attraction while laying the groundwork for “love.” I think it’s much better for the reader to believe the characters are really “meant to be together” before showing them physically bonding. That way, there’s an unfulfilled desire before anything happens. The reader gets to wonder: “When will it happen? When will he finally kiss her?” The reader should want it to happen, and when it does, then there can be fireworks and tingles, etc.

Grammar:
Only one typo and a few repeats.

Overall Impression:
I’ll stick to harping on things I've said in past reviews. I think the Bianca and Livvie relationship needs to be the center of the novel; their relationship needs to develop much earlier, and Livvie needs to have feelings of attraction to Bianca before this. If Livvie’s been feeling a confusing attraction, but suppressing it, thinking it’s crazy and bad, then it would make sense for her to #1 try to interest herself in guys, and #2 seize on the opportunity to get drunk and do something she’d never have the courage to otherwise.

LJPC - the tortoise Check out these great groups:
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