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"Invalid Item"  was chosen because of the title and introduction, A haunting tale of a girl's look into the unknown. Besides the expected genres of Horry/Scary and Thriller/Suspence, you added the genre of Teen.

Written in present tense, I found there are those past tense refrences that are confusing at times. One example is where you wrote, When I got myself under control, I made [make] my way on into the room.

Excellent use of fragmented sentences that aide to the flow of the story and characterization of your teenaged character/narrator. There were a few times where the narrative told rather than showed, but that balance can be difficult when writing a first person present tense narrative.

Now the majoity of my star rating is based upon grammar and punctuation. Those concerns, many are those common errors we all fall prey to when composing, are listed below. Please feel free to dismiss what does not apply to your obviously talented casual tale telling style.
Each one trying to out do the other’s tale. Split infinitive ~ consider revising. Possibly Each one out doing the other's tale, or at least trying. Personally, I think the incomplete sentence here WORKS!
Steph and Kelly was [are] sitting on one side... Verb use ~ The verb needs to agree with the subject in number and in person.
She was the ring leader. Compound word ~ here I suggest ...ringleader...
...so I had to take care of ‘Tiny Tim’ .” Simple spacing typo.
...or kicking and burning ant hills. Compound word ~ consider ...anthillds...
But[,] the thing that really creeps me out is when he happens to find a lizard or frog. Consider adding the comma to insert that natural pause.
Why don’t you go in it then.” Possible question?
...Lisa said,[ ]”Hold on. Spacing typo.
If Julie doesn’t want to do [it], then you can’t make her. Consider for clarity.
“Now remember,” Steph whispered. “after you ... There are several of these minor errors. Punctuation. You placed a period 'after whispered', which require you to capitalize 'After', or you could just replace that period with a comma.
...and scraped a thin layer of frost from it’s [its] pane. Commonly confused words ~ I don't think you meant a contraction here ~ consider the revision.
when I got to the back door, I turned ... Capitalization typo ~ here it is the beginning of a sentence, as well as a paragraph.
In my mind I had been thinking... Comma usage ~ Always offset those opening words or phrases with a comma to insert a pause. Also, you would still have a complete sentence without the phrase.
To one side, a sink surrounded by cabinets that snaked around the walls ending with a stove on one end, and a refrigerator on the other. An incomplete sentence ~ this is one of those that, in my opinion, does not work as necessary to the flow of the narrative. Consider revising. ~ Possibly adding, as a phrase to the previous sentence as, I looked all around the room, and to one side, a sink surrounded by cabinets...
In the middle of the room stood [is] a table, with four chairs pushed neatly under it. Again, an incomplete sentence ~ consider, Consider the simple revision.
...that sounded different than [from] the normal sounds ... When comparing one item to another, grammatically, it is best to use 'different from'.
As the sound got closer[,] I broke out into a nervous sweat.
When It [it] got too faint for me to hear[,] I let out a breath not realizing I held it in the whole time. Capitalization and comma use.
In the center of the table,[ ]a vase of what ... Simple spacing typo.
When I finished my search of the house[,] I went back to the room ... Those pesky opening phrases.
When I reached the top[,] I looked from one side...
If you believed the stories[,] there hadn't been any children.
It felt different than the rest of the house. Differnent 'from'.
In the middle of the floor stood a [an] old wooden table. 'A' or 'An' rule. Always use 'An' if the word following starts with a vowel.
...walked to the window,looking out into the dark. Typo???
I took the small flash light out of my pocket. Compound word ~ ...flashlight...
When [I] turned around to walk back through the room, I felt ...
After I got my head wrapped[,] I started trying to feel around.
With one hand[,] I reached out in front of me, feeling ...
After what seemed like forever[,] a light appeared on my left.
“Steph. if that’s you, you ... Punctuation ~ Either replace the period with a comma or capitalize the word 'if'.
It [In] the small amount of light from the doorway, ... Typo??
They answered with a humph and a ... When did 'It' become plural?
... it spoke to me in a high[-]pitched voice. Compound word ~ consider the revision to emphasize the word pair.
... and chills ran up my back bone. ...backbone...
Beside the door[,] a lit torch had been placed into a holder.
...poisoned for all I knew but I didn’t care if it [I] was. A simple typo.
I bent over[,]and took hold of the chain[,] and pulled. To simplify.
It sled [slid] easily across the floor. Subject/verb agreement.
...out of my hand,hoping my legs wouldn’t ... Spacing or punctuation typo???
I didn’t have a choice, but to lay [lie] on my stomach ... Verb confusion?
Having a better chance of looking at the plate and cup[,] I noticed that...
I grew sleepier by the minute and before long[,] I fell asleep.
When I woke up again, The tray wasn’t there ... Capitalization??
A toothless grin spread across it’s deformed face. Those pesky commonly confused words.
At some point[,] I must have passed out yet again.
...instead of laying [lying] on the cold stone... Verb confusion.
An IV had been inserted [was] into my left hand. Present or past tense?


In the opening, I was under the impression that the three awaiting your character were about to choose her to join, as you wrote, ...the three of them with their heads together, whispering and laughing. I’m pretty sure that they have chosen me. Then later you wrote, ...We have gotten into so much trouble over the years because ... I think a little clarification would enhance the story.

A little confusion in the continuity of the story line. You wrote, When it (moon) reached the center of the sky, I(Julie} crept out of my cover and walked to... Now, the only mention was that there was a bush in front of the house, yet there wasn't any narrative indicating that Julie or the three girls had taken refuge there. The time-line seems confusing to this reader, as they left the diner at 11:30.

Some concerns here toward the end. You wrote, After what seemed like forever a light appeared on my left. Then the next paragraph opens with, It seemed to get bigger as I watched it get closer. Is the light the "it".

There are many wordy sentences that could be simplified. Simple is always best. One example is where you wrote, I ate all of the meat and bread and washed it down with the water. The water had a bitter aftertaste. A suggestion ~ I ate it all and washed it down with the bitter tasting water.

There were many good sensory phrases, yet this one is my favorite, A light breeze touched my face for just a moment before a rain of soft bumps hit the floor below. Very creative and original.

Personally, I didn't really get the ending. You spent great time and detail building Julies's friends, yet left them behind. It can be good to leave some characters fate to the imagination of the reader, yet this one did not seem statisfying.

I like the plot, I just didn't think that Julie's behavior (lack of fear) depicted reality.

See you soon with another review,
Glenda

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