Hi Missy ,

This is a Power Review from

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WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills! #1300305 by Maryann

Here is the first review from the Power Reviewers Holiday Auction. I’m sorry about the delay I’ve had tendinitis and been banned from typing for almost 2 weeks! I’ll do one each day, as I have to take it easy still.

Here is a review of Cave of the Damned .

Initial hook:

Winter is always a good time to set a horror story. I like the line: “I dozed in and out of sleep as I waited for the knock that would take me out into the cold night. ” it creates suspense, and makes the reader want to know who is coming and why.

Characters:

Eddie: You introduce him as different, weaker and an easy target for cruel children. You give him an air of mystery, and we await his surprise...I'd like a description of the characters, I’m 12 paragraphs in and I don't know what anyone looks like. It really makes it hard for me to read, because I can't picture the characters.

Narrator: We know he is a good man, a rough diamond perhaps. A strong child, who chose to protect someone weaker and odd. This doesn't often happen in real life, but I am prepared to accept it here at the beginning.

“Compassion... and was quick to take a strap to my backside if I forgot. ” ah the double standard lessons of parents! Is compassion important here? It does sound a bit strange to beat a child who was not compassionate enough. Can you be more specific here perhaps...did he whip his son when he found out he'd teased another child? Told him to be a good boy?

Setting:

“They finally gave in and enrolled him the next year.” Where is this set? Isn't it illegal not to send a child to school? Was the family plagued by social services? Is this a lawless place? Were they a dangerous family considered above the law? Is this in some one-horse town where people just do as they please? The ex-social worker in me is being picky here! I know this is 1938, but I need to know where the story is set so I accept this neglect. Also, how old is Eddie at this time? He's old enough to plead with his parents to go to school and self-aware enough to know he's different, but took to learning straight away- reading and writing? Science? Complex maths equations?

Atmosphere/tone:

“He could remember... ” this paragraph is a lot of telling, can you give us an example to make it more real and get me involved emotionally?

Dialogue:

“He told me that this one was special. It was just a matter of knowing where and when to find it.” it would make more of an emotional impact if you put this in actual dialogue, rather than telling us.

Same here:
He hadn't seen anything enter or leave he said. Actual dialogue is much more dramatic than being told what was said.

I was confused with the ages, I thought Eddie and Stan were boys, then they appeared to have grown up and be men.

Who were the two bodies? You introduced someone called Mary-who is she? Does she have an significance? Why does she help him? Does she help him towards the light literally or figuratively?

Parts I liked:

You bring up the suspense really well, and the two boys walking to the cave and going inside is really good.

“Everything felt strange once we were inside. The air seemed to grow heavy and damp. I felt something pulling me forward, deeper into the cave. My feet didn't seem to touch the ground. The walls shimmered all around us. ” this is really nice, you tell us about the cave using lots of different senses, and really take us there.

There are no spelling mistakes at all. This is great proofreading.


Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

“His family lived on pike’s ridge ” if this is the name of a place, do you think it should be capitalised?



Overall impression and reading for rating:

I think this is a good idea for a story. You gave some nice detail about Eddie and Stan, and their backgrounds.


As part of the prize, you get a merit badge for each review. I was impressed with your proofreading and grammar. They are such important skills for a writer to hone. I am awarding this piece an "Attention to Detail" merit badge! I'm looking forward to reading your next piece tomorrow.

I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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