Hi,

I came across your item, liked what I read and would like to share my thoughts about it.


Plot: Sally wants to make her mommy's day, but things turn out different than intended.


Style/Voice: 3rd person limited via Sally


Setting: not really necessary, but... dining room?


Characters: Sally is a sweet, little girl, wanting to please her Mama. She puts all her heart into her gift, and completely forgets everything around her. Only Mama, and how happy she'd hopefully be at its sight, counts. She senses exactly, that for some reason Mama is so cool, and hopes to break the spell this way. When I please Mama, she's nice to me too. The crasser is being slapped by reality when Mama runs in on her and scolds her.

Although she couldn't express it, Sally knows instinctively that, although she's physically there; she has lost her mother emotionally and that hurts more than her actual words. She feels sad and inferior, that even a stranger is worth more love than she; but most of all guilty of having annoyed her mother, and so that she deserves the verbal lash.

Mama only sees what's there, but not the reason and effort beyond it. The little brat again messed up the place and has to be disciplined for it. How dares she? She's only annoyed and pissed off by her child and doesn't notice, how badly she hurt her daughter.




Grammar: Beware! Below I've pointed out, corrected things and made suggestions based on how I would've put things. However, I'm ESL, so you might not agree with everything.

Fine, except...

(...)the tail of the ‘u’ went skidding through the heart (...)





Personal Opinion: Aw, that was so sweet and yet so sad and enraging to read.

You captured this child so vividly with such few words that I got the feeling to watch her. Such a sweet little thing! The crasser the contrast of the seeming and the real.

Treating a child like this, that loves and defends you loyally and unconditionally and solely expects and trusts on this in return, is inhuman! When the woman can't deal with a child, she shouldn't have one, or give it to people who would appreciate it, instead of hurting and making it miserable.

This scene might only be a minor event, but Sally is definitely used to such, and no child should be. Such little hurts pile up to something very big and can scar for life. My, when I remember how often I "messed up" our place as a child as Sally did, my mom would've put me up for adoption or worse dozens of times then.

This was a perfect example of how not to treat your child, children in general! They're a gift that must be cherished and protected and not mentally and emotionally messed up by cold-hearted parents. No child should have to question its parents' feelings towards it and even more sense the reason why. That's simply wrong.

That you expose this lesson through the little girl's eyes only makes it more impacting.

Thank you for sharing this!



Don't forget that I'm just someone voicing her opinion. You know best what's best for your story.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .