Hi,

I came across your item, liked what I read and would like to share my thoughts about it.


Plot: A sixteen-year-old girl most involuntarily becomes a mother. Thrown out from her family, she tries to make a living for herself and her daughter ... until the family is reunited by a horrible news and Heaven exercises a really heavenly gift.


Style/Voice: 1st person, unnamed protagonist's POV

Setting: a shabby car and alleyway; the hospital ( no descriptions, not necessary)




Characters:

The nameless protagonist is shocked senseless when her life as she knew it ends violently and she feels violated a second time by the medical examinations. While her family is supporting at first, this turns into incomprehension, scorn and rejection, which violates her a third time as those on whom she depended to help her up again and help her cope with her trauma dumped her ... just like the monster in the alley.

However, despite all that, she doesn't back down. She has someone, who's totally dependent on her, who relies on her love and care. She knows how terrible it is to be rejected those, so she gives all she can muster to her daughter. Seeing that even out of something hellish something beautiful and pure can result, helps her healing ... her daughter's unwavered love and loyalty helps her healing. Although it hurts sometimes to think of this black times, she's glad to have been able to create a life, and a respectable one for Heaven and herself.

Her sister, to whom she still has contact, is enough "family" to her, because she is "true" family, as she didn't dump her when everyone else did. This also dampens the emotional strain when her sister needs her helps and calls for her ... and she leaves everything behind to follow the call, even though she knows what it means. She loves her sister, and she owes her that. Sister and daughter give her the strength to face her traiterous family.



Heaven is the prot's daughter and the light of her life. She senses her mother's horrendous fate somehow and probably therefore has grown so close to her, closer than one would expect when knowing the facts. Also, Heaven has a mysterious gift she uses to ease the suffering of those she loves, first of all her, her mother's, then her beloved tomcat Indy, and lastly her cousin. She may not know the girl, but knowing that she is the child of someone who means so much to her mom and who seems to love her mom so much, is enough to work her magic again.



Melanie is the prot's sister and the only person from her family who's still with her. Obviously, she's not tainted by the remaining family's venom and scorn toward the rotten daughter, but on the contrary very close to her. Otherwise, she wouldn't call her for support. The family's support obviously isn't enough and she needs the person she's closest to. This close relationship and Melanie's refusal to dump her sister hints at a close relationship already as children and Melanie probably being a rebel or kind of a black sheep herself.



The Family, especially mom, is a bunch of bigot hypocrites. First, they do their Christian duty when trying to help the daughter come to terms with the horrible event. When the daughter, however, doesn't play along, doesn't take the already - for them - painful offer of abortion (probably they even justified it as an exorcism), but, on the contrary, decides to keep the devil's child, she must leave ... at best as far as she can to not taint the rest of the family. When learning of their daughter's fate, and of her daughter's name, and they then watch the impossible, it's Christian stereotype displayed at its best: the infidels and unseeing are made seen and believing by the miracle.





Grammar: Beware! Below I've pointed out, corrected things and made suggestions based on how I would've put things. However, I'm ESL, so you might not agree with everything.





(...) fought for existence;(period) My mom threw me out.

“Please(comma) don’t let her resemble him,” (...) and her green eyes she inherited from my dad. She was precious, caring(comma) and loving; (...)

I cradled Heaven in my arms and rocked her.





Personal Opinion: Maybe it's just paranoid, little skeptic me, but, as already mentioned in the characterization of the family, this resembled kind of a religious parable; only clad in a modern gown.

The protagonist must endure incredible pain and hardship - and this thrice! - only to be rewarded with a heavenly miracle on two legs, doing miracles herself, who helps her to get back on her feet. Wasn't there something with a Lost Son, a Hiob, and others, who went through the same, before God decided that He's had enough fun with making them suffer?

From a more "earthly" ankle, this was a rather moving story as well. It showed how people can endure the most horrible things and, instead of breaking down and giving up, can move and even outgrow themselves sometimes. Every victim making it to survivor is to be one of the most admirable people, as this transformation is one of the hardest things to achieve. Heaven certainly helped the prot, as she just couldn't give up with her around. And it is true: even out of something so unspeakable, something wonderful and uplifting can result.

Your prot is gutsy for keeping her daughter, who, even if she doesn't resemble the monster, always reminds her of that fateful day. Not many can and would do that ... and it's even more admirable. I've such a prot as well. When you're interesting I give you the passkey to the item, as it's part of a highly restricted novel.

It makes one wonder, what oneself would do in such a situation. Probably, I'd act the same. First, I probably couldn't have an abortion with good conscience (although I am FOR the right to abort); and second, it isn't the poor thing's fault that it ended up in me.

The family's reaction was sadly enough somehow exemplary. I think that especially the strict religious (though not exclusive them!) think in such old-fashioned ways and rather dump those they should actually love and protect, kin, when they don't play along in their strict scheme of the world and challenge them. They have no idea how much they hurt those kin this way. God or not, religious belief or not, agreeing or disagreeing, but you just don't do that to someone who has gone through something so horrible. It's not only most un-Christian, but also hostile and inhuman. As the violation is the test, the reaction to the test can either destroy victim and family or bring them closer together. Too often it's the former ... and the wrong one is blamed. That's the saddest thing.

Therefore, I so loved Melanie, because she actively opposed these dynamics and sticks with her sister. She knew and understood it instinctively and acted right.

There are two little drops of bitterness though:

1. The lady who tells this story has no name!

This is a story that has to be told, and the protagonist needs a name because of it in my humble opinion. You know, I always consider protagonists without a name as unimportant, not worthy to waste thoughts about a name. Maybe others do that, too. You don't want that, do you?


2. The story's too short!

Don't get me wrong. I admired how you pressed so much story into such few words and it still read coherent and even moving. But such a story needs room to breathe, to explore characters and the dynamics beyond them, and the effects of the deed and the re-violation in the hospital. It all holds great potential for even more genuine and gripping drama.

Yes, I KNOW you had 500 wold limit ... but in case you decide to expend it one day, some hints.

Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking little piece!

Write on!




Don't forget that I'm just someone voicing her opinion. You know best what's best for your story.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable **