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 Review #3696856 |
 |  | Desert Thorn, Desert Rose  [ASR] On the last day of work, Aarush must face some shocking truths. And a pleasant surprise.  |
| (4.0)| Hiya, Farooq ! HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  My Personal Impression Ah, now this was a sweet story. I love reading stories like this that can leave me feeling happy, like love really can conquer all for some people. For Aarush, it seemed that Mayana's love gave him the bit of oomph, or confidence, he needed in order to take matters into his own hands with the backstabbing Paneel. Nice work. My Thoughts About the Story This story was well written and flowed well from beginning to end. At first, I felt that the beginning was a bit slow, but after the revelation in his boss's office, it took off and didn't slow back down. I was going to suggest that you might want to start it off with a bit more tension, but after reading the whole thing, I don't think you need to. The beginning part becomes quite important as the story progresses in order for the reader to connect to Aarush and understand his motivations for what he does and doesn't do. I have to admit, I loved the scene with Mayana in the restaurant. They were both so sweet, and the nervous glances and small talk created a very intense atmosphere for the revelation that comes about while they are there. Their dialogue felt natural for the most part, and it worked well to pull the story along. The ending was plain wonderful. I could have clapped a round of applause for what Aarush did before he left. Not only because it will make Paneel's life a living hell, but because Aarush had the nerve to do it. A very nice arc of character growth. There were only a couple of things that I think you could work on to increase the effect this story has on the reader. First, there were some places where the speech in the narrative felt a bit too formal. For the most part, the tone is very casual, but certain phrasings created a formal tone that contradicted the casual atmosphere. The main part where I found this was when Aarush was speaking to Paneel. Paneel's speech was much more formal than Aarush's. The other thing I think you could look at is some corrections that I listed below. There were some sentences that I wasn't quite sure what you were getting at, and when that happens, the reader is taken out of the story to try and figure it out. As writers, we want to keep the reader glued to the words, not wondering about their meanings. I have offered some suggestions below in an effort to help you smooth this story out a bit more. It is already a very good read, but I think with a little work, it could be a spectacular love story. General Suggestions  “Just because he brown noses you doesn’t mean you will listen to his crap,”The word will indicates a demand. I don't think that's what you want here. Consider using the word should instead. he gets up and stares me in the face.This sentence seems a bit awkward to me. Consider something like, 'he stares me down'. “My girlfriend didn’t like spicy food but I just freak out.”I'm not sure what this sentence means. Does he freak out as in he gets mad at his girlfriend? Or does he freak out as in he loves spicy food? You may want to rephrase to reduce confusion. In a couple places you have the same speaker continuing to speak but you place the dialogue in separate paragraphs. When it is the same speaker, it can all go in one paragraph.Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc. Today is my last day at office.Consider adding the before office. "Leaving today, Aarush?" she smiles affably. The word she should be capitalized because it's an action, not a dialogue tag. Whenever an action precedes or follows dialogue, it should be its own sentence. When a dialogue tag follows dialogue to describe how something was said, then it is considered a part of the dialogue. I hug and slap him on his back, “Man, last night simply rocked.The comma after back should be a period because the narrative is an action. “Ah Mr. Aarush, come in.”Consider a comma before Mr. Aarush because it's a direct address. “Hmm…,” he says looking through me. The comma after the ellipses isn't needed. The ellipses itself is enough. Also, consider a comma after says in order to separate the two verbs. There are several places where the comma after the ellipses isn't needed. I look at him as if he were a bug that needs to be squashed. The word were is past tense. In order to maintain the present tense, consider using the word is. “Praneel is relieved today”, he says.The comma should be in front of the quote mark. A fascinating visual of her eating while driving pops and I grin. Consider adding up after pops. Then it will read as though the idea popped up for him to see rather than popped as in exploded.  In Conclusion All in all, I very much enjoyed reading this story. Aarush was presented as a well-rounded character and I grew to like him easily. His emotions came across well through the narrative and his actions, and I cared about what he did. That's one of the hardest and most important things in a love story, and you did it marvelously. Keep on writing, Farooq. You have a flare for romance, that's for sure!  Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.  Happy Writing! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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You responded to this review 04/21/2012 @ 1:30am EDT