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 Review #3712717 |
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| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  Hello, Sandy B. .  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The story: A couple invests in an old rundown pub that they plan on restoring and opening to the public. They move in on Halloween morning, and the husband thinks that it's the perfect setting for a party to get to know some of the townspeople. His wife hands out invitations, and they are excited as they wait for their guests to show up. When they arrive, they are dressed in costumes and ready to have fun. Later on the wife notices a group standing in the corner whispering. She collects a tray of goodies and walks over to find out what they are talking about. During the course of the conversation, she learns that the pub is haunted, and they explain some of the things that they know about. She doesn't believe in such nonsense. She was on her way to tell her husband about the conversation when she was stopped by a scream from upstairs. He husband went to check, but he couldn't find anything. He calmed everyone down and the party continued. After a bit, water began to pour out of all of the drains. They found them plugged and removed the plugs and locked them in a safe. They were sure that some kids were playing a joke and trying to scare them off. When the scream came again, the guests left and they realized that there might be something to the story. They went down to the cellar for a bottle of wine, and found a reason to give up their dream of being pub owners.  Suggestions: every bathroom of the hotel and turned (You may want to change 'hotel' to 'pub' since that's what you have been referring to it as.) Bill locked then away (Bill locked them away) triumphantly rubbing his hands together rather smugly (It's always a good idea to try to stay away from using adverbs. They don't add anything to the story, and it's one of the first things publishers look at. I think this part works much better without them.) You may want to give it a good looking over to be sure that your punctuation is all in order.  Thoughts: This is a nice ghost tale that would really bring out the goosebumps if told on a dark Halloween night. I enjoyed the story, but I saw room for more detail that would really draw the reader in and create more suspense. It's good for a story of this size. I think you have a good base if you ever want to consider making it into a longer and more detailed piece. I liked the conversations. I thought they were believable, and the characters seemed well written and had their own voice. I really liked that you left us with a reason for the hauntings. It left me curious as what this person was doing there and the circumstances that surrounded it. I enjoyed reading it, and I wish you the best of luck if you decide to expand on this story, or write another stand-alone story that can tie into it. This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.  Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. 
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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You responded to this review 05/28/2012 @ 12:29am EDT