Hi Shaye ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The title is great. It works well with the story and catches the reader's attention.

Suggestions:
There are several places where the spaces between the paragraphs are missing. You may want to go back and put them in to make the story easier to for your readers.

Starting out with dialogue is great to really put the reader in the middle of the action. However, when it occurs with no explanation, it leaves the reader feeling confused. Where is the speaker? A bit of description goes a long way to help orient the reader.

There is quite a bit of passive voice in this. Any time the word "was" is used, that is passive. Try rewriting it in a more active voice. For example, instead of A beautiful human with a wonderful beating heart was going to be walking out of this dank building whilst it was still day and not night., try Walking out of this dank building whilst still day would now be possible with a wonderful beating heart.

I'd love to see more about the transformation when the narrator turns Elizabeth into a vampire. The information about becoming a vampire would really help with world building.

Spelling/Grammar:
my un-lifes wish
"wish" belongs to "un-life", so "un-life's"

“Showing my joy,” I then turned to my new life.
Since this is an action, there should be a period after "joy".

I replied, I presumed she was going to say something that was worrying her, and to be honest I didn’t want to hear anything that was going to upset me.
This is a run-on. All of the commas should be periods.

Who knew a vampire could be afraid of needles?
I love this line!

Ashley

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