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Review #3726903
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Hello alexchase, and
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  and The Angel Army! *BalloonR*

*Nuclear*Fantastic work! This is one of the more impressive pieces that I have read on WDC! Your story is well written, with all the necessary elements of a story coming together nicely. It has a flavor of Poe to it, that I enjoyed a great deal, making me want to read more of your works. I was enthralled by this piece, and applaud you for writing it, especially the way it ended ... excellent! But however much I liked the piece, I do have a few suggestions for improvement, which will be listed below.

*Vine1* *Vine2*

*Bullet*In paragraph 2; you need a comma between 'me' and 'but' in the last sentence.

*Bullet*In paragraph 4; you have "I fell for what felt like an eternity"- this is a bit awkward the way it is written, as the character has already completed the fall, so I would suggest a few word changes- perhaps like "I had fallen for what seemed an eternity." In the same paragraph you have "I had no idea how large it is"- here you need to either make 'had' into 'have' or change 'is' to 'was'- as it is awkward the way it is written.

*Bullet*In paragraph five, you have a few too many fragment sentences. Fragments are useful in some situations, like when used to give a statement more of an impact, but when used to excess, they detract from the quality of the work.

*Bullet*In paragraph 13; it seems you have a word missing in the last sentence, before 'halted'- I think 'had' would work quite well.

*Bullet*In paragraph 27; you have "A clamped a hand over my mouth"- here you need to change "A" to "I"- Though personally, I think this would work better, in conjunction with the rest of the paragraph, if you made it into "Clamping".

*Vine1* *Vine2*

*Thumbsup*Please remember that this review is only my personal opinion of your work, and any suggestions given are merely my thoughts on how your piece might be improved ... so don't take offense at anything I might say!*Wink*

Whippoorwill

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   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 07/02/2012 @ 10:34am EDT
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