Hi Beka,
I carefully read your story, here is my review. I would like to congratulate on your two years with WDC.
Please remember, I'm a writer, just like you, and these are only my impressions. My ultimate goal is to be helpful and supportive. Thanks for sharing your work.

OVERALL SENSE: I do like this version of "All Choked Up" better, Why? It definitely is more realistic. A jokester is fine, but marrying one...
That choking bit was too much. If I got scared as much as Karen did and then find out there's a whole different outcome that this guy has in mind. How dare he! It's as if the feelings of others doesn't matter, as long as he gets his punch line in. He seems sweet and aims to please, then he laughs as if everything is a joke.This could grow old in a hurry.

         TITLE: The title, All Choked Up, Alternate Version, fits this story in more ways than one.

         STYLE/VOICE: The style and voice stays strong, but concentrates more on the woman's feelings. This is a love story but to what end?

         SCENE/SETTING: The scene and setting takes place at a restaurant where two people are dining. He begins to choke on a piece of bread and she tries to revive him by doing the Hemlock Maneuver.

         CHARACTERS: The characters are Joel and Karen, two lovers. The author describes them very well and you, the reader, begins to understand why things happen as they do.

         PLOT: Joel and Karen are dining out at a fancy restaurant. Karen always dreamed of going there and now her wish is coming true. It starts off great, They are both enjoying themselves and then Joel is choking. Karen, a nurse, tries the hemlock maneuver and gets really scared when he doesn't respond.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING: Everything looks fine.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: NONE

         LIKES: I like the conflict you showed between these two. You began to wonder how much of this can she take before she explodes.

         DISLIKES: I found nothing to dislike.

FAVORITE LINE(S): I found some lines that I thought added to the story. In my comments I'll tell you why I liked it and why?

          QUOTE HERE Unable to bear seeing him so distraught, I had to leave. I stood and hurried out of the restaurant, feeling eyes on my back the whole way.

          My Comment: You can tell by the way Karen is behaving that this is the hardest thing she has ever done in her life. I have a feeling she loves him but how can she be sure he loves her. You can't when someone keeps pulling pranks on you or joking around most of the time.

          QUOTE HERE Joel had given me his smoldering look over the rim of his glass as he drank. I always was unable to withstand his charm.

          My Comment: These lines gives the reader a little insight into Karen and Joel's life, Joel keeps things going on the lighter side and Karen shows she can't resst him when he's being serious.

JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION: Falling in love is a great experience. I read both versions and a happy ending is nice if it warrants it. This story didn't because he's a great date, but a husband, I don't think so. Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece.





Take care now, keep on writing, I’ll keep on reading,
Jeannie

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