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Review #3774555
Viewing a review of:
 My first kiss  [13+]
Describes circumstances up to and including my first kiss
by Elena
Review of My first kiss  
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is a good piece. I can see why it did well in the contest. Well done. It is a sweet little tale. The young air of innocence comes across well in the tone of the piece and the mood is very adolescent. It is clearly a form of coming of age. The first kiss is usually where the boundary is drawn between a child transforming into a full teenager.

For further advancement, here is a little aspect which I feel could be improved:

Your dialogue uses tags. These are not always necessary and the story flows better if you can avoid using them. for example:

"Did it end with a smooch?" she asked.

"Mom!" I said, embarrassed. "Yes."

"You were just a baby," she lamented.

Could instead be written:

"Did it end with a smooch?" She flashed a sly smile.

"Mom!" My face flushed. "Yes."

"You were just a baby." Her gaze distanced in reminiscence.

Instead of just tagging the dialogue, the above also adds extra descriptive detail to the scene as well as indicating the speaker. Of course, that is just an example. I'm sure you can do it much better.

Very well done with the piece. Keep up the good work. I'm sure you will win a lot more contests.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/14/2012 @ 6:03pm EDT
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