It is my pleasure to review
"Invalid Item" 

PLOT / STORY-LINE / THEME
This seems to be an excerpt from a larger story, depicting brothers who are irate at the self-righteousness of the Inquisitors enacting judgement and punishment upon their people and their land. The confrontation becomes violent as one brother doles out vengeance upon the priests and the soldiers.


TITLE / DESCRIPTION OF ITEM
The title fits the item, but you might consider changing your brief description to reflect the story itself.
Maybe something like this:
Brothers Stephan and Arik enact judgement upon the Inquisitors.
You could always announce the fact that this is a character study for your Nano Novel at the bottom of the item.


STRUCTURE / POV / CLARIFICATION
The narrative doesn't seem to be told from any specific character's point of view. We do get a brief glimpse into the priest's thoughts as he feels his anger. Then we are in Arik's head as he "knows how easy it would be to lose her." Later, Niobe shares her thoughts as she tries to find comfort in Arik's strength. So I'm not sure who is telling the story. If you switch point of view in an ongoing scene, the reader will get confused and feel pulled from the story.

As a reader, I noticed some areas of confusion which I'd like to point out for your consideration. I have learned that you have to be very detailed about your sequence of actions, even in a short scene such as this one. Your readers will detect any areas of confusion. It helps if you first see your story in your head as if you were watching a movie. Every action, every movement of the characters has to be planned, choreographed like a dance, ahead of time.
You wrote:
“Then our next stop won’t be for a cow at of some poor lord’s field; it will be your home for your wife and daughters.
Here, Stephan is threatening the priest. There's a conflict with the authenticity of this statement in that the Inquisition was conducted by Catholic priests. Last I heard, Catholic priests are (and were at the time of the Inquisition) celibate. They do not have wives and daughters. I realize this is a tale of fantasy, but wouldn't this way of life be the same, even in the land of dragons?

You wrote:
"Your father and your grandfather knew us well. They offered sacrifices at the door to our cave where our treasure is kept."
Arik is speaking to the priest here. Were the priest's father and grandfather also priests who offered sacrifices? If so, how is it that they, as celibates, bore sons?


SETTINGS / CHARACTERS / DIALOGUE
The scene opens in a small one-room cottage and moves outside as the priest is tied to a tree where other priests and soldiers join him. You might consider adding a bit more detail to the surroundings so that the reader can visualize the setting.

It’s usually the characters with whom readers identify, so, as writers, creating living, breathing people is vital. The priest is well described as arrogant and self-assured. I didn't get a clear understanding of what Arik and Stephan were. There's is no description of them as they began their dialogue with the priest. Did they transform into dragons later? Niobe is depicted as a young and beautiful human who has greatly suffered at the hands of the Inquisitors, but I never got a vivid image of her in my head.

The dialogue is very well presented and awarded each character with their own individual personalities. I thought the verbal exchange was natural and realistic.


GRAMMAR / PUNCTUATION / SPELLING

You wrote:
“It’s not like we didn’t understand what we were doing.” Arik admitted, looking to his twin for reassurance.
Remember to use a comma instead of a period between quoted speech and a dialogue tag like he said or she asked or Arik admitted.
“It’s not like we didn’t understand what we were doing,” Arik admitted, looking to his twin for reassurance.

...briefly glancing at his brother then back to the inquisitor.
Stephan moved slowly between the Inquisitor and the door...
Sometimes you capitalize "inquisitor" and sometimes you don't. Either is correct, but the key here is consistency.

Arik’s voice was low as he spoke bringing a slight look of fear to the priests face.
A comma is needed before the ending participial phrase, and an apostrophe is needed for the possessive form of "priest."
Arik’s voice was low as he spoke, bringing a slight look of fear to the priest's face.

His words picking up where his brothers had left off as though the two men were of one mind and one voice.
This is a sentence fragment.

“We, however, have no problem killing those who whom get in our way and cause harm to those we care about.” Stephan agreed, his eyes shifting like his brothers.
Looks like there's a typo here. A comma rather than a period should go between quoted speech and a dialogue tag. An apostrophe is needed for the possessive form of "brother."
“We, however, have no problem killing those who get in our way and cause harm to those we care about,” Stephan agreed, his eyes shifting like his brother's.

“And if I am not smart?” The Inquisitor asked, obviously trying to regain his courage.
Lower case letter should begin the dialogue tag.
“And if I am not smart?” the Inquisitor asked, obviously trying to regain his courage.

“You dare threaten me?” The Inquisitor sputtered his eyes bulging from the anger created by their audacity.
“You dare threaten me?” the Inquisitor sputtered, his eyes bulging from the anger created by their audacity.

“Your father and your grandfather knew us well. They offered sacrifices at the door to our cave where our treasure is kept. They showed respect to those who were stronger and better than they were. “You pick on harmless women and children. You accuse those who are blameless of sins that you yourself have committed,” Arik answered,...
There is a mis-placed quotation mark in the middle of the dialogue here.

You have defiled her innocents...
I think you meant to say "innocence."


OVERALL COMMENTS
I think this could be a good foundation for establishing the relationship between your characters in your novel. The framework is there. The theme of the atrocities and the injustice of the Inquisition which befell innocent people is well described, and the brothers' anger is vividly felt. It just needs some clarification and editing. I hope you found my comments useful. Thank you for this opportunity to review your work. My suggestions and opinions are offered only in the spirit of helpfulness from one aspiring writer to another.


  Winnie Kay  



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"