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 Review #3809830 |
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| (4.0)| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi Arwen9 . This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" !  After reading "Invalid Item" I have the following comments to offer.  The Heart of the Story/Poem: From the first few sentences, you had me hooked on the story. The world felt real and vibrant, even from this short bit, and the characters were each unique and with good, clear personalities. I really want to read the rest of the tale! Things That Might Make It Better: Besides more of it? Haha! Seriously, though, the only thing I can think of to improve on it is perhaps there could be some more background information. Why is it that Jin is on the run? Why does Aretas chase him. I'm guessing some sort of rulership dispute, but that's just a guess. Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I only found one area where something with the reading felt off to me: <i> She had once been the lover to Aretas’ mercenary general, Dameon, but now spent her nights with him. Or had been, until his healer pay ran out. </i> The 'or had been' part, when combined with the 'spent her nights with him' somewhat threw me with the tense. To me, it might flow better read as: "She had once been the lover to Aretas' mercenary general, Daemon, but now spent her nights with him. Or had, until his healer pay ran out."  Things I Like:Already I like Jin and Zylon. The way you have them portrayed give me the feeling that they are both main players in this story, a given for Jin, and a hopeful for Zylon. I also like the loyalty that Layole shows to his liege. The dream was vivid and intense, with incredibly strong imagery that I don't see often enough. I was also charmed by the way you formed your metaphors, keeping within one train of thought with them (example: "pregnant clouds, groaning like a woman ready to bear, gave birth..."). It felt really nice to read. Gelendra
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/14/2013 @ 7:39pm EST