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Review #3825568
Viewing a review of:
 simple and sweet  [E]
loves up and downs
by curtis
Review of simple and sweet  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (1.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

Hi curtis -

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"  and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please. *Smile*

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I like the concept of this poem about the ups and downs of the experience of love. You did a good job of capturing the emotions involved in something as complex (and simple) as love, and I think that there's a lot of potential in this piece of writing.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* There are a great many typos and technical errors in this piece, to the point where it made readability difficult. Since this is a short piece, I've copied and pasted your poem below, with the proper spelling/homonym/grammar in [brackets]. I would suggest going through your piece and fixing all the technical errors as it will make the writing seem much more polished and easier to read.

[Don't] trust a single [soul], words come from tongues and [sometimes] they [roll].
lies with [ease] like any easy breeze.
anything to keep the sun [shining].
[I'd] rather be dumb minded than aware of all the pain.
and [where] is all the pain?
[I] look your way but your expression has no change.
and [I] suppose [there's] little chance [of] once again feeling the same.
or feeling what we felt.
instead of nether regions
only shirt collars getting wet.
Disgusting is how [I] felt
when discussing about [myself].
it seems [I] let you down and now [I'm] forced to find [myself].


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I like the premise, but the execution needs a lot of work. If this is a rough draft, that's okay (although you may want to note that it's a draft), but a more polished presentation when it's finished will help other reviewers focus on the emotions and the meaning behind the piece, rather than the superficial technical details that need to be fixed. But you're off to a good start! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala" , please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello! *Bigsmile*

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Logo for SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala activity.


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