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Review #3864977
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Orbs of Misnomer  [ASR]
He had no name. It had been stolen. He couldn’t get it back. He was a ghost.
by BoyStar
Review of Orbs of Misnomer  
Review by A Non-Existent User
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Person* Author: BoyStar .

*Folderbl* Item Type: Static/Flash Fiction.


*Boat2* My Initial Reaction

Hi there, and thank you for your entry to "Invalid Item" !

This is a great story! I found the way it was written to be fresh, in regards to the usual style. This is a style that works very well with the plot of the story. That self-same plot was well rounded, while your characterization worked nicely. This was an interesting piece, that any fan of Fantasy should be able to appreciate.

My concerns with the content of the story: What exactly are the Orbs, and why are they so important? Obviously you can't devote a lot of words to that, but it wouldn't take many to let us know their value.

And what does being Dragonborn mean? This may have been thrown in as a reference to Skyrim, but either way,let us know what that means, the significance of it, or delete the word. The way it is, it only causes confusion.

*Waterdrop* My Thoughts Regarding Improvement

*Bullet* Paragraph 1

I don't believe that you need "now", in conjunction with the rest of the sentence, starting out with "he" works much better.

*Bullet* Paragraph 5

So the baby dragon was found by a hero while still in their world? *Wink*

"The dragon became quickly more powerful"- this bit here is awkwardly written. I would suggest switching the words "became" and "quickly" for better effect. "The dragon quickly became more powerful".

*Bullet* Paragraph 7

In the second sentence, you need an apostrophe after "heroes" to indicate possessiveness. In this situation " heroes' ".

*Bullet* Paragraph 9

"The baby dragon finally was able"- this is another awkwardly worded area. I suggest switching "was and "finally" around for best effect. "The baby dragon was finally able".

*Bullet*Paragraph 14

I found this paragraph to be largely useless. There is no need for this, the last paragraph works well as and ending. This kind of ending in a short story is a bit awkward.

*Anchor* My Closing Comments

Please note that this review is given in the spirit of one writer trying to help another to grow. My rating is based off of "Comment-In-A-Box" , which I find to have excellent guidelines. Write on *Thumbsup*!

-- Oceanborne
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/10/2013 @ 9:53am EDT
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