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Review #3872238
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of "Pineapple Juice"  
Review by Grace♥Leo...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Happy WDC Anniversary Inker


*Vignette5*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A girl's memory connecting Pineapple juice and getting caught smoking by her mother. I am wondering why you guys wanted to smoke in the first place? Was it because your mom smoked? Was it because all the cool kids smoked? I am sure you were on a word count with this, but it could be expanded into a story to prevent kids from trying to smoke.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
Maybe the second paragraph needs to be completely different. You could describe the smoking feeling in detail. You could add some comedy to it with fumbling with the cigarette and lighter or trying to thump the ashes or maybe even that your head began to spin and you saw colors. I would insert the stale cigarette part into the same paragraph where she made you smoke them. Your ending quotes are missing here.--> My brother, the fool, yelled, “Thanks, Mom!



*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the part where you call your brother a sissy. I think that adds believe-a-bility (<--is that a word?) to the story. A childhood memory to document for the family history and possibly some blackmail.: *Worry*

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to review your item in your port. It was a pleasure. Keep writing and dreaming!

Grace L

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