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 Review #3912488 |
 | The Game of Willow Gate  [E] Beware strange visitors who invite you for a game!  |
| (2.5)| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Greetings Steve Something  ! General Impressions: After reading this the first time, my initial impression was that this story must have been unfinished. I then looked for any indication that this was a draft or part of an interactive story. I decided to read it again, and things started to make better sense. In fact, I love the theme. I really think this aught to be extended into a longer story. There are a lot of neat things in this story that you play with--the medieval soldiers; trees that morph into doors to other times and places; the stranger who walked through one of those doors! This is all cool stuff!  Style and Voice: I love your fluid lines and imagery. You also did a great job creating tension where it was needed. A nice example of this can be found in my "Favorite Parts" section below.  Scene/Setting: I felt like the narrator made it a point to mention the medieval armor in the 2nd paragraph, but I never found out why. What was the significance (if any) of the medieval soldiers on the story? Favorite Parts:  Tangled and struggling, Dale and the intruder were both caught by surprise. Gripping an arm here, wrenching at a face there, they jostled for dominance as they rolled amongst the leaves. Finally, Dale pried the man loose with a jarring kick. Quickly crouching in lieu of the next assault they stopped and stared at each other. Not even the rustle of the surrounding trees could be heard above the beating of their hearts. Great action scene! :  Characters: I would have liked to know more about Dale, since all of this is happening to him. What does he look like? What does he do for a living? What time period he is from? Did he travel back in time when he was handed the metal bar? What brought him to that willow tree in the first place? I was also curious about something the stranger said, “You're not one of 'em!” Who is he walking about? One of whom? While we're on that topic, who is this stranger? How the heck did he come out of that tree?!  Was Dale taking the stranger's place in some weird ritualistic game? Plot : This is where I got a little confused (at first). After re-reading, I believe this story is about Dale, a man who had the misfortune of napping under the wrong willow tree one day. I believe you started the story at the end, where something awful was about to happen to Dale. Let me know if I don't have that right. The one thing that still confuses me is the part where Dale tells the soldiers that he didn't know any Dolby. Didn't Bob Dolby introduce himself before handing Dale the metal bar? Dialog: You have just enough dialog in there to keep me happy, but a little more wouldn't hurt--especially between Dale and the stranger from the tree. I would have liked at least one or two lines of internal monologue from Dale, so that I could get a little more inside his head. I want to know how he felt about his circumstances. How weird--terrifying--it must have been for him when he was so abruptly awakened by a bunch of medieval soldiers! Grammar/Mechanics: I'm no grammar guru, but here are some areas that didn't sound quite right to me (I'll include suggestions/solutions where applicable). Paragraph #6 * Excessive use of the phrase, "as if" * Missing comma in line #2, after the word "down." * Line #3 - This might be a typo, but I don't think "Burning" sounds right in this sentence. Did you mean, "Flames were in the air?" or, "Smoke filled the air?" Paragraph #11 I think the word "going" is missing from the first sentence. My suggestion:  “What the hell are you going on about?I believe you may have momentarily switched the point-of-view in the highlighted lines below. Though the rest of story seems to be written in 3rd person-singular point-of-view (Dale's), I feel like I jumped into the strangers head for a moment. “The name's Bob Dolby. Here, maybe this will help you.” He extended a short metallic bar to his new acquaintance. As it left his grip and rolled into Dale's he covered his eyes and ducked out of sight. A pulse of light that could have challenged the sun broke forth and all was suddenly black.Conclusion: Overall, I think this is a good start to an even longer work of art. I wonder if you were limited to a small word count for this piece, because I feel like there is still so much more to tell here. If you do happen to rewrite and/or extend this story, I'd love to re-read and review it for you. Thank you for sharing. Cheers!  Disclaimer:Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story. My feedback and suggestions are merely my opinion.
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