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Review #3934894
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Review by Zelphyr
Rated: | (4.0)
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You actually had me chuckling at a few points, like the pet houseplant and Neva's initial reaction to Domumen taking over all the signals. I do think it's a bit odd that she's going after a massive orbital drill just to get back at her Home Owners Association, but it sounds like you know what you're doing.

Be careful about cliches. "Her anger burns as bright as her hair[...]" Though decently expressive, people, especially women, whose tempers "match" their red hair is overdone. It's not bad to have a redhead with a temper, but it seems like it always gets compared to the hair.

You might want to watch your paragraph structures a bit when dialog is involved. You go back and forth between narration and dialog withing a single paragraph quite a bit, and although it still flows nicely, things like that should typically be broken up more. For example, you wrote:

“As always Elva, it’s been fun.” Neva slammed the door shut and slumped on to the couch. “Damn HOA always up my ass about everything. Damn Elva being so strict. I doubt anyone gets bent out of shape about how long my native Altan Lavender lawn gets like Elva,” she said to her houseplant, Roy. “I know you wouldn’t understand being a plant and all, Roy, but maybe that’s for the best.” She patted the silent leaves and turned on the television. The screen took up a whole wall of her small home.


Broken up, it might go something like:

“As always Elva, it’s been fun.” Neva slammed the door shut and slumped on to the couch.

“Damn HOA always up my ass about everything. Damn Elva being so strict. I doubt anyone gets bent out of shape about how long my native Altan Lavender lawn gets like Elva,” she said to her houseplant, Roy. “I know you wouldn’t understand being a plant and all, Roy, but maybe that’s for the best.”

She patted the silent leaves and turned on the television. The screen took up a whole wall of her small home.


or...

“As always Elva, it’s been fun.” Neva slammed the door shut and slumped on to the couch. “Damn HOA always up my ass about everything. Damn Elva being so strict.”

“I doubt anyone gets bent out of shape about how long my native Altan Lavender lawn gets like Elva,” she said to her houseplant, Roy. “I know you wouldn’t understand being a plant and all, Roy, but maybe that’s for the best.”

She patted the silent leaves and turned on the television. The screen took up a whole wall of her small home.


A good entry overall. Good luck in the next round.

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