Hi there Nabbit }! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Happy Birthday  (13+) A little girl gets a fantastic present for her birthday. #1971104 by Nabbit

Welcome to WDC. I'm sure you read this before. I really do mean it. There are some really nice people here who want to help you and very willing to answer questions. I will always be happy to help and do what I can.

General Impressions That was an interesting take on an infomercial spoof. It was not quite what I was expecting from the title or the description and the rating and genre didn't give it away either. Still I read it all the way through it was nicely done a great read for a Friday. I loved the plot twist you did.

Favorite Parts "Tired of the flabby fat beneath your chin? Try La Guillotine today, and it will zap your fat away! La Guillotine was and crafted by the most prestigious black smiths of France, so it will be able to handle all of your needs instantaneously! One, two, three, and thunk!"
I love that piece of description this the first place you set it up in the story I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because I want everyone else to read the story it is worth the reading time!

Plot On a short story I use the title, description and read the story to see how confused I get. Your story, title and description all match up. You really did a great job on it. The only thing I would suggest is the story type really is Scary/Horror and Dark as well. They will not give it away but will attract more readers as well. As an author know your markets and you want all the exposure you can get. I would also add Action / Adventure and Sci-Fi as well. If you run out of boxes use the type in box and add those in there so the website search engine will que your work when us bored and just want to read something new authors can find your work.

Characters You actually did your characters very well. They developed as the story went along. You did a very good job on that part.

Setting All though finding a mall open at 6:30am seems a bit much. But hey writers license it could happen.

Dialog Your dialog was done well it advanced the story and the plot great job.

Presentation Now is the part that as an author we are always in a hurry to get our work reviewed. We tend to forget that we are professionals. Being a professional is an attitude not a degree someone gives you. Even a work in progress should shine, be correctly formatted, correctly spaced, and indented. After all you never really know who will read your work looking for ideas. Always be the professional you are with all your work because it is what sells you.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .