%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #3943440 |
 | Damaged sight  [13+] A father's dying wish may be best left unpracticed.  |
| (4.0)| I am reviewing your work as: '   This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item" that you won at the "Invalid Item" raffle.'  WHY I'M REVIEWING FOR YOU  Group/purpose: This gift is just for you so you can write with might and gift delight to readers through out WDC with confidence and best ability! Title: Damaged sight caught my attention because I have limited vision or damaged sight, so I had to find out what this was all about. Description: Contest entry, 463 words. the description didn't give me any ideas or clues about your word art which for me is disappointing. I did like that what you wrote is for a contest. I hope you will be able to add more information to your description so that the potential reader may be given a reason for reading your word art.  FIRST IMPRESSIONS I usually don't get involved with majic or similar writings, however, I had no idea what was within the content of your writing, so bumped into this topic.  I LIKE What and why: This is not my chosen genera to read and review, yet here I am doing this anyway. It would have been better for the potential reader to have a clue about what your word art is about so that the reader could decide what he/she wanted to do before having to read. I do like the story idea, and the magic part was something I was able to handle, so perhaps I was supposed to read and review your work. Your work in general is for a me a lighter story rather than a heavy story with deep details about magic which I guess the best description or example of heavy would be Harry Potter. Thankfully you didn't write a Harry Potter heavy duty type of story.  As I'm doing this review for you, your story is growing on me and I'm finding myself more involved in the events and actions of your word art. plot: The idea of a father reaching out to his son after death with his love of and belief in magic is a great idea and a story which has much potential to bring action and adventure to life along with showing how the characters feel and think about things. As I read the middle and ending of your story, I got excited, and felt the events as if I were experiencing what the characters were experiencing. Rhythm: The ideas and settings are great, however the presentation is a bit bumpy. This is causing the flow of the story to be for me a bit dry and more like being told something rather than shown something. Reading the information, is more for me like reading a test book with facts. The characters are not alive and the events seem stale. I like that you have a very good foundation and great ideas about what this story is about and where it is going and how it will end. More feelings and thoughts reveled, rearranging of the presentation and phrases, and restructuring of events will skyrocket this word art in the reader submersion into your story. In the middle and end of your story the rhythm became alive and moved me toward the next event which I became immersed in thus feeling and experiencing the actions and events as if I was a character in your story.  OBSERVATION(S) A lot of potential and adventure are possible.  QUESTION(S) Does Bill love his father? Does he hat magic or is it more his lack of belief? Is his father truly concerned about Bill thinking he is crazy, or is he more focused on helping his son see what he sees? I know this is for a contest, however, have you considered expanding your story into a more detailed short story, novelette, or novel?  SUGGESTIONS AND COMMENTS: My thoughts and ideas which may be of interest to you: I would recommend some changes which would put the reader into the story so that you, the writer show the reader the action and events rather than tell the action and events to the reader. By doing this the reader is drawn into what is happening and can experience personally what is going on in the story. Bill must have been thinking about what and why, while he was sitting, staring at the spell he just completed? How did he feel? This is what I would use as my opening statement for the reader so that there is excitement, questions answered, and action within Bill that takes the reader into Bills thoughts and emotions. For example: Bill was deep in thought: Bill didn't believe in magic, yet he found himself staring at a spell which he had been working on for years and finally was finished, or completed which ever works for your story. His father was fully a believer and involved in magic, and placed in his will the charge for Bill to complete a spell that his father hoped would help his son after his death. For me this would be exciting and interesting. I know Bill doesn't believe in magic, His father does and wants to help his son. This places me in the actions and events, then what is needed is some emotion and feelings because the ground work has been presented about the current situation. Your ideas and action situations are good and yet the picture is blurred and confusing which may be why this review could be confusing, so I will do my best to explain to you what I see, feel, and think would help you have a super wonderful story. Cleansing his house was one of the first things to be done. The modern way was to get out the normal household cleaners and clean from top to bottom. He didn’t understand the why’s of it but it was important to not think about the cleaning when he was done. Bill had no idea why the first step to working on the spell was to completely clean the house from top to bottom with normal household cleaners and tools, but he figured __what? That perhaps the cleaning might do something, what? How did this make him feel or perhaps see something about completing the spell? Or was there more mystery about this event? Something about this project of his was making him believe in magic. Was it his trembling hand? Was it the darkness which seemed to descend on him like a weight? Was it the storm outside brewing, staring at him with its ugly face? Although Bill didn't want to think about the details of cleaning, he couldn't shake the feeling that magic was read because of his trembling hand, the darkness which seemed to descend upon him causing him to feel like a heavy weight was holding him down, or and the storm which looked like a brewing caldron of major trouble. Bill couldn't ignore the fear or reality that he was involved in something that had life and was real. Through the rest of the paragraphs you got into the feelings, actions, and events very, very well. I found myself getting excited, having apprehension for Bill, and wondering what was going to happen next. I was drawn forward toward the next scene like I was living whe thoughts and feelings, the actions and emotions, and the general information of the story became alive for me. I don't want to get involved with magic, however, I'm glad I read your story because it is great to see that there is life and potential for an exciting adventure and perhaps mystery of how Bill deals with his fathers death, the magic he has to complete, how the events change when he starts the cleaning process, and what the results are like having sight that isn't learn but blurred. I feel and believe that you can expand and create this story so that it will be a wonderful adventure for the reader.  CONCLUSION(S) My thoughts and Impressions: I am grateful for being able to read and review your word art because I am learning about this kind of genera and learning more about writing and telling stories. As I moved towards the end of your story, I found myself involved rather than looking in from the outside which is very, very good for me and you. The reader enjoys a story best if he/she is experiencing everything rather then being told about what happened. I enjoyed reading and reviewing for you, please continue to write and share your wonderful ideas and characters.  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  Welcome to WDC from all of us at "Invalid Item"  Join us for some coffee and conversation in the "Invalid Item" You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" [E]! Feel free to check us out to find out our purpose on Writing.Com. ** Image ID #1533880 Unavailable ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" The WDC Army Angels  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/15/2014 @ 7:49pm EST