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 Review #3944681 |
 This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" I am reviewing your work as a disABILITY WRITERS GROUP family member, as a PDG member graduate of the Rockin' Review Academy & "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  WHY I'M REVIEWING FOR YOU  Group/purpose: This gift is just for you so you can write with might and gift delight to readers through out WDC with confidence and best ability! Title: Special Friend is the word art you asked me to review for you in the DWG forum. I agree that there are special friends. What could be special between two friends and how would this make things special are two questions which based on the title, I think of and would want to know about. Description: Lydia and Jonas were childhood friends. Which I'm sure is true, however what and why were they childhood friends. Was there something special, ominous, or otherwise unique which would being them close as special friends? All of my questions are based on the title and description because I have not yet read the content of your story.  FIRST IMPRESSIONS Wonderful friendship story which had potential to grow and become more full and vibrant drawing the reader into the scenes and the actions with a personal experience of being in a movie.  I LIKE What and why: The two main characters have a very close friendship which is good. The challenge is bringing the reader away from the knowledge that he/she is reading. The person reading your word art needs to be part of the story. I like the story, the characters, and I like helping people do their very best with their projects, like helping to bring to life and personal experience the scenes and actions of a story. plot: The story of Lydia and Jonas is interesting and has a lot of potential to be a story which brings the reader into the story rather than being something the reader reads as you tell about the events in the story. The idea of two special friends with a special connection and understanding suddenly being torn apart by death is compelling, exciting and sad. Unfortunately as you show with your word art, many young people make decisions, give clues and the rest of the friends and family members have no idea that they are thinking about taking their lives. This is an important part of the plot because it reminds readers that even though a person thinks they know someone and that they are close to them, perhaps there is a dark side which is hidden from view. You have a solid plot that can be made into a longer and more detailed story or kept as a short story and polished. Either way your writing has life and action to show how tow friends care for each other and how a living situation can tear them apart. Rhythm: The tone and style of the story of Jonas and Lydia is buoyed by events that lead to Lydia leaving the world and her best friend because of a demanding and slave driving step mother. This keeps the reader moving through the scenes at a comfortable pace, with words arranged and sentences placed in a way that is a smooth change from one thought to another. I enjoyed reading your story, had no trouble following the ideas and events, and smoothly followed the words, actions of the words, and events told through the words. The part about Lydia being pale and Jonas frantically wanting to follow her as the vehicle drove away was touching and gave cause for some tense and faster moving emotions in thought as well as reading the words because I had to find out what happened in the end and wanted to get past the sad event.  OBSERVATION(S) Much potential is indeed possible and this story can become an emotional, personal reading experience, and grab the reader thrusting him or her into the story as if they were a part of the events. Therefore, the reader will be focused on the story rather than aware they are reading. To have the reader aware of the story and not reading is the ultimate goal of the writer.  QUESTION(S) As Jonas gazed at Lydia, what did her see, how did he feel, and what caused him to gaze at her rather focus on the ball? How much does Jonas know about Lydia's life and how has this knowledge changed him or given him cause to act in certain ways? Why was Tanya, Lydia's sister her dads pet? This would have a huge baring on Lydia's state of mind and why she would want to kill herself.  SUGGESTIONS AND COMMENTS: The opening sentence to me, is more focused on the ball, what it did, why, where it went, and how it stopped. My thoughts and ideas which may be of interest to you: Jonas gazed at Lydia as she hit the ball towards him. He neither blinked nor shook as it hit him on his shoulder, fell, and rolled away into the forest of trees behind them feeling what and why: what is it about Lydia that is so important and interesting for his to be distracted and not pay attention to the ball flying towards him?Jonas couldn't believe that such a kind and beautiful friend could be treated so horribly by her step mother. He enjoyed their base ball games and couldn't wait to spent time with her because she lifted his spirits and gave him the feeling of having worth and being respected by Lydia. Jonas gazed thoughtfully at Lydia as he remembered their first meeting each other during a baseball game. Lydia hit the ball towards him still distracted, he neither blinked nor shook as it hit him on his shoulder, fell, and rolled away into the forest of trees behind them. I would take the focus off the ball and keep it on the two main characters because the ball isn't a character it is a prop. Also, for I'm not interested in the ball, I want to know more about Jonas and Lydia and their relationship and life styles. Some background information about location is good as long as it has importance and adds to the story. For example if Lydia lived in a rundown home with a mean step mother, and her father didn't care about anyone or the home this would give clues about why she killed herself. If where they lived the children had a tendency to kill each other or themselves, then this would show another reason why she killed herself. How did Lydia feel when she heard her stepmother call her is important because people who think about killing themselves or who actually kill themselves have feelings and reactions to their environment and how people treat them or ignore them. Did her father disbelieve her when she talked with him about her step mother, or did he not care, or did she think all of this is the important fact or facts which would make this story more interesting, alive, and real. Doing dishes and laundry seems to be less important, than the reasons behind the chores and how she is treated by her step mother after she works so hard, or is she rebelling in front of her step mother which is causing problems between the step mother and Nydia and Lydia and her father? I think that Lydia is a smart and respectful person who does her best to try to please everyone. This may be a very good reason for her to feel that she is not doing a good job with life and may push her to end her life. waiting to hear a Lydia's voice calling him. I would take the letter a out of the sentence. Watching the a few white cloudsIf you use the in this sentence I would give more description of the clouds. If you us a, then perhaps there is something special about these generic clouds that Jonas found interesting or perhaps he could be doing or looking at something else. In the paragraph about Jonas stepping into the kitchen and grabbing...How was he stepping and grabbing? With the thoughts about Lydia and how she was treated, Jonas must have also had a physical response to his thoughts. Her chest moved up and down How, spasmodically, smoothly? Everyone's chest moves up and down when they breathe, so there had to be something that was different which caught the attention of Jonas, otherwise why mention about her chest, right? ... until his leg caught in between a root sticking out of a tree and. He fell with his face onto the soil. I have the idea, however, you are telling me what is happening instead of showing me what is happening. until he was thrown down because his was jammed between a root sticking out of a tree and causing his face to hit the ground with a thud. Or his face could hit the ground causing a bloody nose. Or, his head could be thrown to the ground causing a huge cut on his face. Did the food fly out of his hand or did the food fly out of his hand and land scattered through out the area? His tears were of frustration, pain, exasperation because he thought he was clumsy, why the tears? Tears are clear, what caused the blue? Are you referring to his eye color which is being involved in creating more blue especially in the tears? Why is this important? If he is crying tears of total despair and loneliness, then this adds much to the emotions and what is happening to him emotionally. He has to feel like his world is turned upside down and he has lost his very best friend, which he did. This is one of the worst things that can happen to someone, so Jonas has to be really upset and have major feelings about what has just happened. Showing the reader emotions and reactions of a character gives Him/her the picture of details about the character and how he is relating to the events. This places the reader in the story rather then learning what is happening because you are telling the reader what is going on. Think about writing your story as if you were making a movie for the reader to watch, only you are using words (word art) instead of film. Jonas looked behind and saw Lydia. He looked in the direction of the voice? He looked behind the root he fell over, or behind himself, or whatever direction you decide for him to look, but explain what behind means so that the reader has a panoramic view of what Jonas is looking at and seeing. This brings the scene of the story to colorful vivid life for the reader and they don't have to work to try to figure out what you mean. Readers want to enjoy what they read and be a part of the events, feeling, and colorful scenes that the writer brings into focus and life similar to creating a movie. This movie is in print on pages or in print on a computer screen.  CONCLUSION(S) Wonderfully thought story idea. My thoughts and Impressions: I enjoyed reading and reviewing your story, thank you for sharing with me your talent and word art. Your two main characters have very good stories within each of their lives and these stories mesh together to create an even better, interesting, and colorful story. The sub characters are the villans who bring suspense and dislike to a situation that is tense and dramatic. Mingling the lives of the two main characters with the sub characters, I can't think of the exact name for the less prominent characters right now, so am using sub to explain my thoughts, are the protagonists (villains, or perceived villains, who add interest and challenge the main characters to deal with situations they would rather not exist), so this makes your story full of many possibilities and emotions which you can weave into the events and reactions of the people you're writing about. I like the idea of two people who are so connected that one says a special good by to the other person. This is a good twist and possibly a great surprise for the reader. I just thought of another possibility for this story: could Lydia's step mother be deliberately be doing these things so that, Lydia would kill herself? This way she could possibly get away with murder, and she wouldn't have to put up with a daughter that by blood relation was not her daughter? There can be more possibilities, however I wanted to share what thoughts came to me as I did this review especially for you. Throughout your story you kept my attention, I was interested in the characters, and I didn't expect for Lydia to kill herself, this was a surprise. Your story had the potential for being a very good novelette or even a novel for young readers. Usually novels for young readers are not as long as novels for adults. An example of this would be the Left Behind Series, which has the longer novel for adults and the condensed version or shorter version for younger readers. Another option for you is to self publish which is something I want to look into eventually. You could also consider after editing your story submitting it to magazines, publishers for variety reading content books, or even newspapers sometimes will have a column for stories especially if this paper is devoted to writers, readers who are interested in writing and short stories, or a writing publication. I wish you writing success, inspiration, and insight to great story telling or better yet, story showing.  Keep the faith and trust in yourself because I know and can through your story, that you can do this. You can write and should have fun and enjoy your writing experience. Write on! Please keep writing and sharing your ideas and stories with WdC members. Let me know if you have any questions or if I can help you with a writing project; I'm here for you and your writing. Write with might for readers delight! Safe travels and many blessings. This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"    Paper Doll Gang review, "Invalid Item" especially for you.   HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"    The "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" are out in force today raiding the ports of WDC for WDC 13th anniversary! Please enjoy!  Welcome to WDC from all of us at "Invalid Item"  Join us for some coffee and conversation in the "Invalid Item" You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" [E]! Feel free to check us out to find out our purpose on Writing.Com.  ** Image ID #1533880 Unavailable ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" The WDC Army Angels  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/17/2014 @ 3:06pm EST