Hi there abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Clean Up  (18+) Short story of a man retelling his days experience. #1949391 by abcoachnz-Sometimes around

General Impressions I enjoyed reading this story. It does read well and it has a good flow. I enjoyed several parts especially the ending. I will not mention it here to keep from giving it away great twist.

Favorite Parts You laugh. Even now, as I think about it, I want to do just like Joe did there. The bed had been ripped up like some wolverine-type person had been looking for something. I liked this part because you didn't go into heavy description you gave us enough to use our minds and make our own scene. You did a great job on that.

Plot On a short story we use title, description, and story. I compare the title and the description and read the story to see how confused I get. Actually I wasn't confused the plot was about a man telling a new friend about his worst nightmare job.

Characters I liked how you did your characters. You didn't give me a shopping list you just allowed me to find out more as the story developed. Very nicely done.

Setting You did your setting very well. Example: " Must have been quite a nice house in its day, but is now a little rundown. The yard looked like it could have done with a mow or some care. I still don’t understand why people don’t just have evergreens. That would avoid all the slippery dead leaves lying round the place."

Dialog You used your dialog well. The story was told in first person and you stayed in first person really well you staid consistent in it. Example: "The cop muttered something about a triple murder before standing aside for us. But, man, was I in for a surprise. As I said earlier, I am used to this kind of stuff, but that place was beyond it."

Presentation Here is where I normally tell people if your just writing for fun or just using the site for storage please ignore the rest. But if your working to be a professional writer you would format this story as if it was in a published book. With indents on paragraph starts and line spacing between speech lines and paragraphs. Because with as good of writing that your doing you really should be proud of it and edit it to reflect your professionalism. Next your fine with your word choice of tyre but since I'm not from British influence it jerked me out of the story. I was thinking how to fix it so both people could understand it the only suggestion would be to add right next to it (tire.)

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation I used a new beta program on it just for this to show you ways to improve your writing.
Frequently Occurring Words
• that 19
• like 16
• been 9
• there 9
• place 9
• just 8
• have 8
• this 7
• house 6
• about 5
• blood 5
• evil 4
• will 4
• when 4
• into 4
• then 4
• what 4
• done 4
The other point it showed was you had nine sentences ending with a preposition. You have used five weak words and four passive words.

In closing, by eliminating as many that's as you can it will start doing a lot more show as well. Heavy use of that is a tell wording. It still reads well but for tires lol. But for your audience it is a great choice. For the American audience I would suggest you change the spelling is all.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .