%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #3955653 |
 |  | The Disappearance  [E] A young girl embarks on a journey to find her missing parents and brother.  |
| (4.0)  I am reviewing your work as a disABILITY WRITERS GROUP family member, as a PDG member graduate of the Rockin' Review Academy & "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  WHY I'M REVIEWING FOR YOU  Group/purpose: This gift is just for you so you can write with might and gift delight to readers through out WDC with confidence and best ability! Title: The DissappearanceYou asked me to read and review for you on this project, so this is exactly what I will do for you. The title would get my attention and I would look into the description for more information. The description should grab me by my eyeballs and pull me into the content which you have written and shared through WdC, if it is available with in your port. If it didn't, then most likely other readers may by-pass your word art. I havn't looked at the description yet, so look below and you will find this information. Dissappearance should lose the extra "s". I don't know if this is a spelling error, or a typo. Description: A young girl embarks on a journey to find her missing parents and brother. This for me could be interesting, so I may glance at a sentence or two, maybe look at another sentence or two in another paragraph and then decide if I want to read and review your work. What kind of journey? By showing if it is a scary, dramatic, horror, something about the journey in one or two words would make this description more alive and interesting. By doing this more readers would most likely read and review your story. If you were looking at the title and description without any clues how would you feel, see, think about, and decide if you were interested in this subject matter? What would get you curious and excited about reading this story? The title and description are very nice. Readers will read your story, though I'm certain you want a large amount of readers to be interested in your story. I havn't looked at the story. When I review I consider the title and description first without seeing the story because these two items are extremely important in my opinion. This tells the read little information,yet, it will create something good, indifferent, or bad within the person considering reading your story. This may make or break your readership group, so When I try to title and describe my work I give a lot of thought to what words and combination of words I want to use. When I review, I work from the top to the bottom of the word art most of the time, unless there is something shouting for my attention, or something which I need to leave until more information is available/my thoughts are in order for this part of the writing.  FIRST IMPRESSIONS  I LIKE What and why: I like your story because of the mystery and excitement of having to search and rescue the family. For me, I'm not certain I like the spooky part of this adventure. I don't do well with horror and similar subjects or topics. The relationship between Em and her grandmother is more than special. I can feel and tell that they had extra silent communications of the heart and spirit. I think Em learned more from her grandmother than she realizes. The mystery of why her family disappeared is interesting and challenging to me. I believe someone or something wants something from El which her grandmother has. Does her grandmother have knowledge about this or not, I wonder? My favorite characters are Nana and Em although I like everyone so far. plot: The plot has good characters, story elements like missing people--mystery as to why, Something unknown--it's the feeling I get from reading this story, interesting beings and object--they have more meaning and versatility which I believe will in time be revealed, Love of and for family members, and a scene which has a lot of mystery such as the hiding places and unusual functions and features of the house. I'm interested to know more about the woods in the back of the I believe very large house according to what I read. As I reread your word art, I remember the feelings of excitement especially when the mystery about the gold box is mentioned and the disappearance of Em's family members. The woods and shadows mentioned in the story cause me to feel dread and foreboding. The ending of chapter is the got to read more of this story kind of ending for me. Rhythm: The important information about rhythm which could help this story is this: Short sentences make the action go faster and long sentences slow down the action. My idea is that during sequences where you want heart pounding or excited emotions felt by the reader use shorter sentences. This is good for action and fast moving events, yet if the reader isn't able to have a break at an appropriate interval, it may be too much for the reader. So, when there is a good spot for pause, or change in the pace, slow down the rhythm and give the reader time to catch a breath. The beginning is for me a smooth and relaxing introduction to the setting, characters, history, and other pertinent information. It may or may not help to use shorter sentences for the dream sequences when you want to convey emotions of impending trouble or necessity, perhaps excitement, extreme stress, or need to get something done immediately if not sooner. Now that I've had a relaxing introduction to this story, I have the sense that something is going to happen which will rev up the movement and response of Em to whatever happens. She has had the time to cry and feel sorry about what has happened but now I believe she will soon realize that her family is in danger or held captive for some reason. They certainly need her help and she has the entire situation to handle without any human help. I would think through building up some urgency and suspense as well as bring into the story elements that will give the reader more interest to keep them reading. Another reader may have a different idea which is fine, I wanted to share with you what I felt and was thinking about your story. Rhythm is something which I take notice of when reading because for me it has an important flavor and cause and effect when I read. I put me into a story as much as possible like I'm watching the events in my head as in a movie theater and experiencing everything as if I were actually in the movie. Not acting in the movie but like a character in the movie. So if I have the heart pounding feeling and can feel other emotions depending on the rhythm I am more fully involved and enjoy the story more fully.  OBSERVATION(S) This is going to be an exciting mystery, with fantasy and adventure.  QUESTION(S) Would you be interested in creating a book on WdC. When you are ready, you can set up a book by going to "create item" and for upgraded accounts there us a book link which you can click to go to the page which helps you set up your book. This way there won't be a page miles long for people to read. They can click on each chapter as they are ready to read them. Moving truck causes me to wonder if it is something like a large pick-up truck, box truck, or actually one of those moving companies super-large moving vans which almost hold the entire house hold belongings.  SUGGESTIONS AND COMMENTS: You have a wonderful adventure story with mystery and suspense which has super great potential and on the edge of your seat action as needed. My thoughts and ideas which may be of interest to you: place a her boxis it a box, or is it her box? Trees plunging high into the sky doesn't work for me because I think of plunging as going down into. I can understand what you mean. I can visualize the trees reaching toward the sky as high as they can and blocking the sun. I can think of words like towering over something or stretching like a huge tower towards the sky. Trees stretching, reaching, ascending, grasping, or something like this I can relate to more. Of course this is my reaction to this situation, so don't feel like you have to make any changes. She and Nana were walking in he woods and... add "t" to (he)for...the throw away from her I would remove (away) from this sentence because I think of throwing something away first, then realize it is the throw being moved from Em's face. Also when you remove the word (away) it doesn't effect the meaning or delivery of what is happening in the sentence.  CONCLUSION(S) The scary part I may not want to read, but this for me is a must read story. Is the next chapter ready? My thoughts and Impressions: My rating for this story is more a reflection of the editing needed rather than a question of quality. Because I am forced to rate this story I usually consider most the editing needs for making the story as wonderful and fantastic as possible. The good against evil is a common situation, yet with your imagination and creativity, you can bring into this story fresh and exciting elements which will hold the readers attention and keep the reading moving forward as each word brings this story to vivid life in colorful fantasy and mystery. Having the opportunity to read and review for you is like writing and being a part of this story. I really enjoyed taking a close look at your word art. There is much potential for having an exciting mysterious adventure which will give the reader rhythms of feelings and thoughts of fantasy and intrigue that will have them hanging onto every word. Your writing voice is as much a part of the story as each character and has unique characteristic that make the characters and events fresh and new with extremely powerful emotions conveyed to the reader. I would write until all the information is captured and saved safely, then with a very fine tooth comb go through every character of the story and polish it to a glimmering shine. Safe travels and many blessings. This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"    Paper Doll Gang review, "Invalid Item" especially for you.   HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"    The "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" are out in force today raiding the ports of WDC for WDC 13th anniversary! Please enjoy!  Welcome to WDC from all of us at "Invalid Item"  Join us for some coffee and conversation in the "Invalid Item" You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" [E]! Feel free to check us out to find out our purpose on Writing.Com.** Image ID #1533880 Unavailable ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" The WDC Army Angels  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 02/15/2014 @ 11:13am EST