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 Review #3974953 |
| Hello, Felix O'Melany  . My name is Charlie and I’m happy to be reviewing your short story that I found on the "Read a Newbie" page. Thank you for sharing with us and giving me this opportunity to review. The following are just my personal opinions as a reader. I am not a professional. If you find something useful, awesome! If not, feel free to dismiss this.   Title I think the title is interesting. We have the normal connotation of the words "the 'A' list", but in this story, the 'A' list is a series of notes ordering the main character of what he must do in order to save his friend's life. I thought it was a good choice of title.{size} Subject Matter and Theme This is a flash fiction, so the main point of the job is to have a full story with beginning, middle, and end in less than three hundred words. I believe it's three hundred words, anyway. In this story, our main character is Danny. Danny walks into his house one day and finds a note saying that he must follow the demands of the note in order to save his friend. The notes that follow direct him into the janitor's closet. Inside, all of his friends and teachers jump out and scream surprise. From this, the reader can assume that it was just his birthday, possibly? Or it was some sort of surprise party anyway. I'm not really sure, but we know that he isn't in any danger. Flow and Readability  I thought it was easy to comprehend what was happening during your story. It flowed smoothly from scene-to-scene for the most part. Character and Story Development  There wasn't much time for character development, but we can gather information about Danny by his reactions to the notes. He's probably more of a timid person because he doesn't tell anyone, even his friends, about the note. If his character was more outgoing or confident, he would probably ignore the demands of the notes and discuss them with the people around him. The story had a clear beginning, middle, and end. Tone and Imagery I thought that the suspenseful tone of the story could use a little work. I didn't feel like the notes seemed that threatening. They used rather vague language that I don't think most people would be worried about. I was surprised that he just kept going along with these notes that didn't give any information or real threats of what would happen if he didn't comply. You made good use of the imagery when describing the notes and where he was finding them. Possible Suggestions I think the story could benefit from a quick edit of technical errors. Just for a couple examples, the first sentence of the second paragraph isn't capitalized and that occurs on a few occasions. There is also a lack of punctuation, specifically around areas where words from the notes are written. Other than that, there were a couple things that stood out to me. The first sentence was strange because I can't figure out why the main character's friend would be whooping and hollering as he drove away. That just seems unrealistic for someone to do, but who knows. That's definitely not a big deal, but just something that I couldn't help but think when I read your story.I think the biggest thing to work on here though is showing the reader what is happening instead of telling them. Don't say, "On his way to school -you guessed it- he stepped on another note". I think it's better to describe Danny being late for school and hearing a crunch under his feet as he runs up the steps or something like that. I'd also suggest not speaking directly to the reader while you're writing (you guessed it), because it takes you out of the moment.  Final Thoughts I think you've got a cool story here that needs a little TLC to be the great short that it could be. I didn't see the ending coming, which is great because a lot of flash fictions have 'plot twists' that are easy to see from the beginning. Thanks again for sharing your story with us. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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