Remembering

I am coming to you, having read an earlier version of this. These are my thoughts on this version. I hope you take my comments as merely my own opinion. I mean no harm, only to help. Choose and use those ideas and suggestions at will.



The opening sentences were bit confusing. Let's break them down as to why. Here are the sentences:

This is the impossible sounding story of a survivor law enforcement didn't believe until the day of remembering. Now the past can catch up to a serial killer.

~ To start with, I would suggest ending the first sentence after the word believe. The remaining words, "until the day of remembering", what exactly do they mean? They didn't believe you until they remembered? The wording of this doesn't quite fit and though the idea is there for something, it doesn't come through with the wording. If I were to rework it, here is my suggestion:

This is the true story of unbelievable events that allowed a serial killer to elude law enforcement until one victim's memories returned.

~In this next selection something was throwing the next grouping of sentences off for me. I kept reading this as if the action had already happened and was not for the intended future, which kept stopping me. Here are the sentences:

In two weeks I had enough to buy two acres of land near her. That morning I had the intention of buying it and driving down to a distant city to find a live-in job.

Here is what I thought would make this a little clearer for the reader and allow them to read smoothly without interruption or pause:

After two weeks of living like this, I now had enough money to buy two acres of land closer to my mother, but still far enough away that we would still not see each other much. This morning, I am intent on making that purchase and then driving down into the distant city to find a job closer to this new home.

Also, what is a "live-in" job? I see from later in the story that this could be an in home nursing position or health assistant, but then why need a house to live in? Especially if she had already been living out of her truck, what little she has should fit in it.

So at this point, the reader knows this is a true story. Then we go back in time, though at this point we don't know how far back we have gone. We do know that the main character has just fled an abusive relationship from Mexico; taken a job somewhere in the USA; is living out of her car to be near that job; now has enough money to buy some land closer to her mother, and then will look for a job closer to that new home.

~at the end of the story, one small minor issue and that is mom doesn't live with the nut, but she lives near him. That point isn't clear at the end.

Overall, this is a well written story once we get to the interaction between Tom and Leila, the story gets good. We can see that she has some recollection but we still don't know the who or what the threat is, though it is easy to tell that Tom is off of his rocker and may have ulterior motives.

Tom showing Leila how no matter what she is already trapped and cannot leave without his permission goes to show the control he thinks he has over situations. He is often thrown off course by her whit and cunning abilities to change the subject. This art of redirection may be the only reason she is still alive.


I look forward to reading more of the story soon.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .