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 Review #3975892 |
| (hover your mouse over the intro to view the details) Intro Remembering  Let me first caution you at altering your writing due to a review. Always keep an original so you can go back to what you had in the first place, in case you do follow someone else's ideas. Remember this is your story and another writer, reviewer or person will not see it as you do. Keep in mind this review is just my opinion. I read for joy of reading and may not know what is best for the story. However you may find something useful in the review.  So to start with. The opening sentence, I must ask, did someone's memory return, or did they just finally open their eyes and see? Memory returns, to me speaks of amnesia, and that wasn't quite the case here. Something else, since I know the ending, that is, if chapter 20 was the end of the story, then this is misleading because it says he was allowed to elude until a memory returns, but in fact, he is still at large. So this sentence is false.  The opening paragraph could tell how the windshield came to be like it was, and why it wasn't fixed yet. This helps to establish lack of money and dire straits. For instance, "I rolled the truck" and why, how , what were the circumstances that landed the character into the situation. This could help to establish a tie between the character and the reader. The windshield on my truck rippled in the wind as tiny pieces of glass flew at me. The passing speeding semi-trucks on the interstate created turbulence and made the fractured glass alternate between concave and convex. I drove under the speed limit, so it wouldn't implode all at once in my face. It was just a matter of time.Great opening sentence, but build on that and tell us how it came to be... The windshield had cracked about two weeks ago, while I was being rescued by my mom. I was living deep in Mexico with an abusive man, and she had come to get me. We had thrown what I could into the truck, she paid for the gas, then we took off together, me following behind her car. I kept glancing back in my mirror as we raced back to the states. I took a corner to fast and rolled the truck, but somehow, it came to rest back on all four tires. I was banged up and shaken, lost most of my stuff, but there wasn't time to stop. I was fleeing for my life and we pushed on. The windshield was busted, but at least I was still alive, for now. not knowing what truly happened I created a visual. This shows that the character is leaving one bad situation, has a guardian angel as she lands on all four tires, and how she comes to have very few items as she makes it back to the states with a broken windshield. However, your story may be different.  The opening of the story is rushed. Too much is thrown in without the information to build a rapport with the character. Tell why mom rescued, how the windshield was broken, and give more depth to why the character was leaving and needed to be closer to mom. What was bringing her to this place. The opening sentence is good. From their build up until she meets her mother. Reminiscing back, while she makes the drive, tell the story of how her mom rescued her, why, how the windshield is broken. This is important, because the mother knows about the windshield, before she gets there, and has already put things into motion. Was it that predictable that I'd fail and need rescuing again? "You did this without telling me!" Standing in my mother's house, looking across the valley to see where this neighbor lived, I had a bad feeling. I attributed it to a killer of a headache that started the instant I made the decision to buy the land that morning. Out there at the bottom of the valley was a nameless person from my past. It took many years of listening to what sounded like tall tales to figure out the mystery of who the man was and what happened. My mother and I are alive and well. This is the story as it happened.(This does not belong here. it belongs elsewhere in the story. It is the survivor stopping the story, like int he movie Neverending Story, where it stops the movie and cuts back to the grandfather beginning to walk out of the room and the child asking for more, then it goes back to the movie. It feels wrong here. This is part of a flashback I expected to see in the story, just not at this juncture. Perhaps this belongs toward the start, to show why the desert is not the place for the character, but the city is.  ~went to tell my mother person ~No, thank you." Maybe I'm wrong about him. He's playing and I'm misinterpreting it as a threat{{/font}(broken font tag not from my editing, it is with this sentence in the story. There are a couple of these throughout the chapters) ~Did he attacked me in the past? *sidenote...it might also help to establish ages, so the reader knows why Leila should be closer to mom. How old is mom, how old is Leila? This would give more perspective into the character as well. Also somewhere maybe something about Dan and mom so we know why Dan isn't good either. *Oh MY GOD! It's him! The memory almost came and slipped away. (more of this through other chapters to show the Dejavu and memory of something bad but that is eluding)    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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You responded to this review 04/10/2014 @ 6:30pm EDT