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Review #3975909
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Rated: | (4.5)
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Intro






Remembering

*Sun*
~Opening of paragraph nine)elsewhere in the book, it says she doesn't normally drink when handed open containers by strangers. She is already uneasy, why would she do so now and under these circumstances...because of it was the first fluid or food I'd had in twenty-four hours. I didn't stop for a drink of water because I was afraid I'd spend money to buy something to eat and not have enough for the land. Here is where I would also add, that normally she wouldn't take an open drink and why.

~The smiling, the twinkling of his eyes seemed the same as thatan older teenager had ...

~ how did he know that she and Dan had an argument...I think the argument has been taken out of the story now.

~ tapped his toe and loudly exhaled. font:verdana} (font broken tag)

~Before giving you the keys, I'd like to talk to my mother about the arrangements." (missing opening quotation marks)

~"You're not leaving."He looked down (add a space between quotes and he)

~The point that she was going to be sleeping next to a stranger didn't seem to alarm her? This doesn't feel right. She should be internally showing more alarm at this than she is or asking if that is proper, or why she had to sleep next to him...or maybe I just don't see how nervous she truly is and she is trying to calm him and redirect his attention, anything ...but AHA... I GOT IT... she is in survival mode, but we need to see something more before this to show this more. SHOW THAT SHE IS WILLING or at least she is trying to make him think she is willing TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVIE.

*Star*
This chapter is very well written. There are a few comments above, but those were just merely technicalities. I do want to point out that I double checked and the reviews show up as private, do to the item being on private.





lonewolfmcq

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