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Review #3976379
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Review by Bikerider
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Rated: | (4.0)
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The story progresses well. You have given some of Ashley's backstory. She has been a prostitute, but only so she could pay her bills. I believe that using this experience as a prostitute can give much more depth to the story, and I suggest you use it in the story. Maybe Ashley and Ethan begin a relationship, but Ashley still needs to pay her bills. Imagine the conflict when she has to hide what she's doing from Ethan for two reasons, 1, she is in a relationship with him, and 2, he is a cop and prostitution is illegal. There is room for lots of conflict there.

Some minor repairs:
Ashley flushed looking at the cracked tiled floor, hating it when people touched on her weak points. She did strip in that club a few years ago, but that was all over since wasn't going to do that again.

Blinking several times to fight back tears, she clutched her handbag and left the restaurant through the back door from its kitchen.
Because there are two women in this scene, Ashley and Tiffany, when you say 'she' clutched her handbag, it's unclear which woman you are referring to. I suggest you use the name of the character who is leaving the restaurant.

The alley at the end of the street suddenly didn't look so dark as Ashley approached it. It wasn't lit at all, but it had a few bucks for her. At least enough to pay part of last month's rent and keep the old woman's mouth shut. She rolled her eyes and stopped at the entrance of the alley. A glowing splint was all she could see in the deathly darkness. Cigarette smoke and smell of alcohol greeted her senses making her recall the sudden thrusts that tortured the core of her, almost an entire night, the few times she had been a woman of the night for a few men. No. She walked straight past the alley, refusing to get absorbed again into that world.
This paragraph needs some clarification.
It wasn't lit at all, but it had a few bucks for her. Maybe the alley wasn't it, but she knew it because she had made a few bucks in the alley's darkness.
A glowing splint: Do you mean a splinter of light?
Cigarette smoke and [the] smell of alcohol.
...making her recall the sudden thrusts that tortured. I think you are talking about when Ashley was being paid as a prostitute and using the alley. It would be helpful if you told your reader what/who was doing the thrusting. A John? A customer? Something should be said to tell your reader what the thrusting means.

Bright headlights accompanied lit her way forward, [and she increased her pace] making her increase her walking pace. Uh-oh, it's not safe here.

"Ashley, please wait." There was some familiarity about that voice that made her stop and shifted her gaze at the car that was moving slowly beside her before the driver halted it.
I would change this to: The voice was familiar, and it made her stop walking. She shifted her gaze to the car that moved slowly beside her. After a moment, the driver stopped the car.

Now her sight gaze moved around his trunk, [and she noticed that his shirt was tight around his chest but narrowed when it reached his waist.]noticing that his shirt was pulled up tight by his chest and then lower at his waist.

The final paragraph; He ran [his finger?] along one side of her face and into her hair as his pressed into hers.

I suggest you read your story out loud, and maybe you will find a few missing words that are easily missed while writing.

This story is progressing well. I like the way you show Ashley's attraction to Ethan when she gets into the car with him. Her inner dialogue shows her interest. That's well done.

I will read more chapters soon.

Bikerider














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