~Chapter four ends with our main character wanting to leave. I believe we are still on around day number 2 or 3 if I am remembering correctly. As chapter 5 opens with the paragraph, Tom has declared his love...we have had a time passage here, and it isn't shown. This confuses the reader. Then in paragraph number 2 we see the time shift, but the reader has already paused, and this is enough to lose them.

~in paragraph four, it is mentioned that Tom takes off the door, fixes it so that it won't open form the inside, but it doesn't say he put the door back on AND THEN fixes the window to only crack just a bit. Also the wording is a bit awkward.

The sentence starting the paragraph off is about Leila leaving the compound for the first time. However the rest of the paragraph mentions the preparation for the leave. At no point does it say she went with him. Here is the alternative fix I see, blue is the original, red is the alternate idea:

The first time I left his property was on the day he went for his monthly shopping trip. His social security check came on the same date every month, but he varied when he went anywhere to be inconsistent. While preparing to leave, he checked the oil, water, and took apart the passenger truck door, so it would no longer operate from inside the vehicle. He modified the working window, so that it would now only roll down three inches.

Tom's social security check came on the same date every month. It was always after this that he would head for town to get supplies and run errands. He took precaution to never leave on the same day of the week or take the same route.

The first time Tom let me leave the property, it was with extra precautions taken and the truck rigged so that I couldn't leave on my own accord. He checked the oil, water, and took apart the passenger truck door, so it would no longer operate from inside the vehicle. He modified the working window, so that it would now only roll down three inches. When he was satisfied with his handiwork, he fashioned the door back on, knowing full well I would have to crawl out over him in order to escape.

The next two paragraphs after the above I feel are out of order.

The first time I left his property was on the day he went for his monthly shopping trip. His social security check came on the same date every month, but he varied when he went anywhere to be inconsistent. While preparing to leave, he checked the oil, water, and took apart the passenger truck door, so it would no longer operate from inside the vehicle. He modified the working window, so that it would now only roll down three inches.

2) Driving the back roads out of the community, he went to a post office three towns away to mail a letter to someone out of state that he didn't want to send from the local post office.

1) “I don't want the people in the post office to know of any association between me and this person. I'll kill anyone who sees who that letter was addressed to." He hid the front of the envelope. It slid off the dash as we were driving down the bumpy roads. I reached out to catch it as it flew toward me and he grabbed my arm. "If you see who that letter is addressed to, I'll have to kill you.

I say that they are out of order, because first it is talked of as if it has already been mailed and then the mail is talked of as the drive is made to the post office. This was a bit confusing. If you switch them around it seems clearer.


I was dripping with sweat; I felt like I was a prisoner. she has been a prisoner the whole time, and yet is just now feeling it, NO, it is stronger than that of a prisoner give a greater visual here...I was dripping with sweat; I was the calf that just ran smack into a box canyon with a wolf on my tail and there was no way out. My back was to the canyon and if I could just persuade him or distract him, maybe I could live, but seeking help from a stranger was like asking them to take my place and I couldn't do that to them and risk us both being hurt. I was on my own. give a metaphor to show the reality of the situation is life or death. More of this to show the severity and predicament she is in. Use her big heart to show that she is trying to protect others as well as her mother and thinking of herself last, that is why she doesn't run.

~Somewhere in the story, either here or toward the beginning, we need to know more about Dan and mother's relationship. Dan is the stepdad, how long have they been together? She is on a tight leash and somehow Dan seems connected to Tom, at least in action. Are they BOTH on drugs?

~While we were sitting down and writing this book, my mother said, "I never dreamed that his behavior changed so drastically when I wasn't looking. I had no idea, he seemed like such a nice guy," she said.
this is a part for after the story. After you tell it, put this in, otherwise it stops the progression of the story.

~ I had to crawl over bushes to get up here." He line up the sites. (are we talking about pistol sites?)

~with all this mention of a mountain lion, I don't recall one ever surfacing. Did it? Or was it him the whole time just to throw you off?

~"I keep ammo and supplies, in in hiding places in case...

Keep in mind these are merely my thoughts. I wasn't there and I am by no means a professional. Don't change anything on my account unless you totally 100% agree with it. Hugs my friend. It will take me a while to get through the other chapters, but I will, although slower. I hope one a day, if not every 2 or 3 days will work. If not, let me know and I will try to get them sooner.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .