I saw this short piece on the Shameless Plug Page and because I'm a retired police officer I decided to take a look. I hope you find my comments helpful.


I'd like to mention something about form first.
The presentation of a story is the same as the presentation of a fine meal. If it looks attractive, well-out-together, and appetizing, it will be read, or eaten, depending on whether it's a story or a meal. Using a larger font, double spacing between paragraphs, and giving dialogue its own sentence/paragraph, would greatly improve the visual presentation of this story. (The first portion of this review is done with 3.5 font)

Dialogue should be given its own paragraph/sentence, like this.

"Man, if my father had told me before taking this job how messed up people can be, you guys wouldn't have met my sorry ass--that's for sure," he said.
The thin officer spoke with great seriousness; it hung on his words the way his gun belt did on his hips, it always never seemed to fit right. Sitting around the table were two other officers of the law: one of them in his thirties, the other an old timer, a sergeant.

Something else about these sentences. Police officers carry only one gun on their hip. (they made secrete others). So 'it hung on his words the way his gun belt did on his hips,' should be 'on his hip.'

Style: You wrote this from the voice of an old police sergeant. I like the way his manner of speaking was casual, it made it easy to see him, and I was even able to associate him with an old sergeant I once knew. Your portrayal of this character is well done.

Later in the story, while the characters are climbing the mountain, "some other wailing sound in the back of us..." confused me. After reading the story twice I was able to connect the wailing with a police siren. I recommend clearing this up for the reader. If this was written for a contest and had a word count limit, I would suggest adding to it after the contest ends. This story is well worth the extra effort.

I like the tone of this story. Three police officers sitting around cups of coffee just before dawn. I could sense their weariness as they waited for the end of shift. There is a lot of places in this story where you could show more of the character's emotions, more description of the location, and a bit more dialogue. A little more attention and you'd have a really great story.

Bikerider