%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #3980854 |
 | After Midnight  [18+] A girl who has trouble making commitments and a boy who won't let her go.  |
| (3.5)| Hello, Heaven Luce . My name is Charlie and I’m happy to be reviewing your short story that I found on the "Read a Newbie" page. Thank you for sharing with us and giving me this opportunity to review. The following are just my personal opinions as a reader. I am not a professional. If you find something useful, awesome! If not, feel free to dismiss this.   Title I thought the title was interesting. I'm not sure what it has to to do with the story at this point, but it could easily just be the opening chapter of a much longer story, which is what it appears to be. I'm sure the title will make sense with the story as a whole.{size} Subject Matter and Theme This story is about a guy meeting his crush for the first time. He's head over heels in love with her, actually, but she just introduces herself to him at the end of the story, so she clearly doesn't know him. She seems to be really popular and well-known as a heartbreaker. I think a lot of people can relate to the feeling of talking to someone you've had a crush on for the first time. Flow and Readability  I like the way you started the story. It caught my attention right away when you described the main character's attraction to Lana. The story held my attention throughout and I found myself wanting to know more about what happens to these two when I got to the end. It was easy to read and comprehend what was happening between the two characters. Character and Story Development  I like the way you built Lana up to be this popular girl who stomps on the hearts of men. Sam seemed to be a wallflower type who is more shy and reserved. I hope that if you continue the story, you'll build the characters more. It's easy to have Lana just be this cool girl with no feelings while her male counterpart stumbles over himself in awe of her beauty. But it's important for the characters to have multi-faceted personalities. I think we have the basis for two good characters in the introduction. It will be easy to build off from this point and create deep characters. Tone and Imagery You used a lot of nice imagery when describing the soul crushing that Lana is known notorious for doing. My favorite moment of imagery was the sentence, "We were ants and she was the dreaded magnifying glass on a sunny day." I thought that was a cool way to word it and effectively get your point across. Possible Suggestions I have a couple possible suggestions with this story that may be used at your leisure or not at all.First, the verb tense changes from past to present a few times throughout the story. I would suggest keeping this voice consistent throughout. Another concern I had was the parts in parentheses where you're talking directly to the reader. This may be a personal preference, but I don't like to see this in fiction stories. If you're writing a blog or article, it seems more appropriate to speak directly to the reader. I've seen this done well at times, but for the most part, it seems out of place in the story.  Final Thoughts Overall, I enjoyed reading the meeting between these two characters and I'd like to read more of their story. I thought there could be some edits made to make the story stronger. Thanks again for sharing with us./c} ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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