Hi Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

My name is Ken and I'm reviewing your work "Invalid Item"  on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge" .

First Impression/Thoughts:
"Bear witness," indeed. A powerful telling of the destruction of habitat without thought for the impact on nature and the future of ourselves.

Creativity/Impact:
Whether real or imagined, I loved your descriptions and found they created powerful images in my mind. I thought this was a very creative and emotional write, sure to touch any thinking being. (Not all are, unfortunately )

Message/Theme:
Overtly, you take us on a journey to a small pond that's home to swans, among other things, and tell of its destruction. The more subtle message is questioning why. What are we doing to this land and how can we trade the beauty of nature for convenience in the name of progress?

Technique/Technical Notes: I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism.

Title: "Rape of the Swan Pond" The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see and serves as an advertisement to draw readers in. I thought your title was excellent. The powerful and emotional word "Rape" captures the heart and purpose of your write. It both prepares and invites the reader in to witness and experience the destruction you've described.

Grammar/Wording: You've used deliberately dark and menacing descriptive words to create the mood in this. Phrases early on such as "spit onto the sidewalk" and "angry swarm" create a picture of urban life that is uncaring and that theme sets the stage for the later thoughtless actions. Excellent use of words for effect.

Form/Flow: Let me begin by saying free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I think you did an excellent job of both making this feel like poetry and flow like poetry. You'd think from the title that it would be apparent but my one hesitation came in verse 5 - I was sure it was an egret or other water fowl until I hit verse 6, then . I had to reread it to get the flow again. Minor but worth a look.

Poetic devices: Imagery, imagery, imagery. Great use of metaphor and personification. Your use of alliteration (i.e. slender shimmering slice) and assonance and consonance through out made this feel and read like traditional poetry without giving up the strong emotional and modern feel of the vers libre form.

Emotion/Imagery: Did I mention the strong imagery? I found that the imagery was not merely for poetic purpose but was related to the emotional content you developed. You kept a sense of outrage and anger over what became of the pond. I personally enjoyed that you didn't leave me there but brought me hope at the end. I hope you found your cabin and your swan pond.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
I sincerely enjoyed reading this - and that, to me, is a successful write. Your love of nature and your disappointment with our thoughtless actions comes through clearly as I accompanied you on your journey. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best for Earth Day 2014,

Ken

You responded to this review 04/24/2014 @ 8:12pm EDT

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