Hello dblameck (David) . This is a review in relation to your entry in

Sensual Fantasy  (18+) Fantasy/Erotica Short Story Contest for those who love to love mystical creatures. #1511345 by Christine

Thank you so much for entering!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:







Beginning

You manage to give the reader a clear idea what is going to happen from the beginning. I like that. I am drawn in right away.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Few but not unpleasantly so. Still I would like to have a little more of the senses engaged - you are very good at the visual, and you know that, but it is hard to step into a character of none of the other senses are addressed.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

The interaction is in nature relatively superficial and you do well to reflect that in the internal workings of the characters.


Dialogue/Monologue

Clear and mostly realistic - there are instances when it sounds a little stilted


Characters

I like the way you make the characters be something so generic, and still present, to allow any reader to see someone they might know in them.


Sensuality

This is where the story lacks a little - possibly because of the mainly visual concentration.






Structure/Format

Good structure


Language


Style:

Unusual for you, you use a lot of adjectives ending on -ly which makes it hard to read in some places.

Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼







Tension

Good tension established and held.


Conflict:

External:

I like the playful way you let the external conflict just be, let the reader just swim in it.






End

I love the promise of the end.





General Comments:

I nice, light read. I liked it. Yes, I would like to have some more sensual depth but I liked the lightness, the playfulness of the piece.