My task today is to review fellow participants in The Dragon's Keep contest.

Synopsis
A wizard must find a new dragon keeper and apprentice before the third full moon.

First Impressions:
A very creative approach to the contest prompt.

Suggestions:

I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
I would put a page break (***) in between the wizards part and Bennett's part.
There were numerous missing commas. I would read through again and address them. Comma Website  
The ending felt very rushed. There was so much time/word-count spent on the first part, but then we jumped to 'he got the job, there was a party, and we find out who Bennett really is, the dragon will have her revenge, the end.'
There is also one tiny plot hole - How would a learned wizard who works with a dragon keeper know so little about dragons and hasn't read the enormous book on his shelf? You might need to add a line that this book 'appears' and is new to the wizard.

Specifics:
Unable to sleep (,) the wizard threw the covers off and stood. (comma)
As the flame caught, a gust of wind rattled the window and (then) with great force slammed it open. (This might have better flow. Slammed is already a powerful word)
The bookstand toppled over causing a heavy book to hit the floor with a boom. (I would italicize 'boom')
Pages rapidly flipped through the book. (makes it sound like the pages are turning other pages in a book. I would reword)
"This is not good.(,)" The wizard muttered (comma not full stop)
He carefully lifted it up to the table and (,) with great trepidation (,) read the open page. (comma)
A sudden onslaught of foul odor almost knocked him down. (weak word. maybe "made him gag and his stomach rise.")
Who knows, but they do get hungry. (I would make two sentences)
The wizard watched from the window as the line grew longer and longer.
"How hard can it be?(") (missing quotation mark)
The wizard looked at the men. (why? Unnecessary action)
Walking along the road to the village, Bennett at thirteen had big plans.(confusing sentence)
The wizard knew he was lying but chose to ignore it. (POV change)

Favorite Lines:
It felt like a fly was buzzing at the back of his brain.
I liked how the book announced the dragon keeper was dead.
Something had been eating him, hopefully not the dragon, but what?
He formed a triangle with his hands and a hat appeared.
A dragon's breath can cure a cold, though I'm not sure how one gets close enough without getting singed.

All in all:
I liked the fantasy elements worked into the story - the spells and curses. I also enjoyed liked the king's character.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .